joy in reflecting on connections between pain and purpose

This is my post for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. this week. It came, as usual, out of reflection on personal issues, combined with devotional readings and my own understanding of how God is working in my life.

Fires in our inmost being

I am pondering a lot on pain and grief these days, as I witness the pain of others, whether celebrities or friends, or try to cope with my own. Pain and grief come in many forms, and for the most part are usually unbearable or hard to comprehend. We know so well of those who turn away from God because of the sorrow that has come upon them. And we can all mouth the plain and obvious truth that it is by far the better thing to turn to God in our pain, and grow closer to Him because of it.

Some schools of Christian thought would say that the abundant life should be one where we are able to live without pain. Much confusion has come from such thinking, I believe, for pain is a great motivator and teacher. But we must all be wary of not becoming bitter in our pain, or tempted to despair. And how often we know of how hard it is to console others, and also ourselves, with God's incomparable truth when they are in the midst of the fire.

In my pain this week I have turned again to timeless words quoted in Streams in the Desert:

God often has to burn His lessons into the depths of our being by the fires of protracted pain.

Physical force is stored in the bowels of the earth, in the coal mines, which came from the fiery heat that burned up great forests in ancient ages; and so spiritual force is stored in the depths of our being, through the very pain which we cannot understand.

Like Joseph, let us be more careful to learn all the lessons in the school of sorrow than we are anxious for the hour of deliverance.(March 22/23)

I and we must trust that the fire of pain burning within will become a fire of passion and compassion which will give life and warmth to others in days to come. I and we must choose to lay down our need to know why things happen the way they do, and build upon our trust in God's mercy and grace, and His capacity to work all things together for good.

More than that, we must trust that, like Joseph, in whom were planted visions, dreams, prophecies, promises and great abilities, we may, through our suffering, come one day to "possess the land" promised to us by God. The very depths of our pain can build into us the capacity to fulfill all that God has called us to be and do, if we will embrace the way in which the lessons come.

All you can apprehend in the vision of faith is your own.Look as far as you can, for it is all yours. All that you long to be as a Christian, all that you long to do for God, are within the possibilities of faith. ..Accept for yourself all the promises of His Word, all the desires He awakens within you, all the possibilities of what you may be as a follower of Jesus. All the land you see is given to you.

Streams in the Desert (March 26)

joy in sharing sorrow, and in pondering deep things

This has been a week, as so often, of pondering deep things, but perhaps more so in conversation with others, of talking of the lives and death of famous people we were attracted to. It seemed fitting to weave it into my blog post for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com:

"Sometimes there's God so quickly"

These words from Tennesee Williams' play, A Streetcar Named Desire,were quoted in the Toronto Star this week as an epitaph to the life and death of Natasha Richardson, exquisite actress of the Redgrave clan, and beloved wife of the wonderful actor, Liam Neeson. Her sudden and tragic death captured much sadness for my daughters and me, recognizing the beauty of the love in her marriage and the intensity and authenticity with which both she and her husband have acted their screen and stage roles. We are not much given to ogling famous personalities, and we don't watch TV, but we are touched by all kinds of people and I appreciate our profound conversations. We pondered in a similarly honest way about the tragic death of a local high profile person in Muskoka, who died with her daughter when her ATV drove off the ice into open water on a large Muskoka lake at the beginning of March break. I had heard this impressive woman speak, spoken with her once at a women's luncheon, and last sat opposite her and her daughter at a fundraising event for Africa organized by my own daughter. I did not know her personally, but her intense way of working and approaching life attracted my interest. I know nothing of the personal faith of either woman. But what is obvious to all is that they lived their lives with passion and intensity, seeking to demonstrate in their art or their community service, their marriages and their family lives, their desire to love and be loved.

I am sure I am not alone in my continuing interest in love and death and the forms in which they come, their intense expression and their roles in the lives of all I know or hear about. My interest and concern are always about the quality of spiritual and relational life for everyone, in public and private, and whether or not they have lived and died in the knowledge of God's incredible love for them.

I return in my thoughts again this week to meditating on the words I quoted in my post last Saturday, by William Blake:

And we are put on earth a little space
To learn to bear the beams of love.

Gerald May, a psychologist and leader,teacher and author in the spiritual formation movement, also quoted these lines in his book, The Awakened Heart. His amplification of them helped me in my pondering the implications of the word bear in this context. He has said what I was beginning to articulate for myself as I searched dictionary meanings and the internet for comments on the phrase 'bearing the beams of love'.

There is a desire within each of us, in the deep center of ourselves that we call our heart. We were born with it, it is never completely satisfied, and it never dies. We are often unaware of it, but it is always awake. It is the human desire for love. Every person on this earth yearns to love, to be loved, to know love. Our true identity, our reason for being, is to be found in this desire.

I think William Blake was right about the purpose of humanity; we are here to learn to bear the beams of love. There are three meanings of bearing love: to endure it, to carry it, and to bring it forth. In the first, we are meant to grow in our capacity to endure love, beauty and pain. In the second, we are meant to carry love and spread it around, as children carry laughter and measles. And in the third we are meant to bring new love into the world, to be bearers of love. This is the threefold nature of our longing.

Gerald May: The Awakened Heart

Well, you may say, it's all fine and dandy to work this out conceptually, but what matters is how we live it. Absolutely. What we really share about on this blog, and what others do in so many ways, is our struggles in living out these eternal, timeless realities. For indeed, "Sometimes there's God so quickly."

joy in learning about loving

Hi again - I learned again from writing my own post for http://www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com/. I didn't know what I was going to write on til I began to wrote, nor how I was going to work it out. And so it taught and blessed me to write it. I hope it blesses you too. Here it is:

Learning to Bear the Beams of Love

"And we are put on earth a little space
That we may learn to bear the beams of love."

William Blake Songs of Innocence and Experience

I have always loved these words, ever since I first met them in my class on the Romantic poets in my second year of studying English Literature at university. They were like pools of water in the dry land of cynicism and godlessness among many writers through the centuries. Those words, along with other noble sentiments from some of the few Christian or Christianized poets, playwrights, essayists and novelists that one can find among the pages of history, helped me to hear God's voice when I wasn't regularly feeding on His Word.

But I believe the words themselves are timeless, even for devout Christians. We can struggle, even in our devotion, to discern what life is all about. The cacophony of demands upon our time, the confusion and terror in the global village, the ever increasing war upon our inner peace and joy - all of these add up to one question: What is worth doing?

And in the end I believe we come back to that same place that most people do, whether or not they are Christian. They come back to this timeless truth, that life is all about learning to love and be loved. As Christians we may explore those truths in deep and wider ways as we experience the glory and wonder of God's unconditional love for us, but I imagine, and know for myself, that the challenge is huge in a human sense of just learning to love and continue to love those human beings with whom we have regular contact.

I am often heard to quote this Irish saying:

"To live above with the Saints we love, Ah that is the purest glory;
To live below with the Saints we know, Ah, that is another story."

And I must freely admit that the context for my sharing it has been my own cynicism about other Christians and their attitudes, particularly when I have been hurt and misunderstood by them. So the lesson, the learning for me, of course is most of all about the poverty of my own spirit, my own love, as one of the Saints about whom others might share that saying.

I have been struck by the particularity of love, and the way that God helps us to show it, when we partner with Him in bearing beams of love. We have seen that in the beautiful details of Susan and Brenda's story about their father and their family, in Belinda and Brenda and Robert's caring for their mother, in the details about rubbing backs and sharing breakfast, in waiting for doctors and praying with folded hands. We have heard it before in the struggles for Frank and Ang and Nicky, and all those we pray for, through this blog and in all our private realms.

I recall the amazing way God worked out the details on the last morning of my mother's life. For months I had wondered if she might die when I was at class at seminary in Toronto, when I would be out of town for 24 hours. I didn't consciously pray that I would be present when Mum died, but that was indeed my desire. Mum began to go down quickly a few days before I would go to class, and I had told my professor that I wasn't sure if I would have to miss class one week. But it was hard to make plans each week for transportation and all the rest, as I was using buses in the middle of the night, or rides with a friend. Somehow I made the decision, on March 30th of last year, that I would not take the offered ride and that I would miss my class. My spirit was telling me, as I was learning to bear the beams of love for my mother, which was not easy, that this was such a time. Yet I didn't know how fast it would be. The very next morning I went in to see Mum when I would have been walking in to my class in Toronto. She was already unconscious, and she died in my arms a few hours later. I had time to call my sister and nephew to be with us, and together we watched her cross the threshold into the presence of God and the time at last to live above with the Saints we love. Until the end of my days I will be touched by that beam of love that I was able to bear.

It is always a thrill when we see others learning to bear these beams. We bless Belinda and Susan as they speak for all of us yearning to be there for others, leaning on God's grace. I think we will always feel like beginners in this school, and I guess that is okay, for then it is really not about us, and yet we have the privilege of making beautiful stories out of all kinds of brokenness, in His love.

joy in opportunities to continue to share, from the past and the present

This past week I posted two blogs on the team devotional blog I write for: www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. My usual day is Saturday, but often I put a draft which can be used any day. So with our administrator away with her ailing mother in England, someone else is watching over the account. I continue to appreciate the wonderful opportunity to share in a way that challenges me to articulate and to examine my own thoughts and feelings, in the light of God's teachings...and to make them public.

Here are my two posts:

No Shortcuts to Fulfilling God's Vision (posted Sunday, March 8th)

I saw Slumdog Millionaire this week. I hadn't planned to; my daughter and I just went on the spur of the moment. It's hard to talk about its impact. Yes, it had a happy ending, but it was a rough fairy tale. For someone who has seen a lot of roughness in Uganda, it was hard for me. I have sat on the floor in front of thugs pointing an AK47 at me and my family. In a sense I have never fully recovered from the trauma of that incident. Yet it was mild in comparison with what goes on every day all over the world: Christian martyrdoms, about 500 a day, terrible tortures, horrendous crimes. Even regarding the production and follow up of this movie there have been concerns about fairness in the treatment of the child stars from the real slums of India. Throughout the movie I kept my head down a lot, not wanting to imprint on my brain scenes of horror and violence.

But above and beyond all that I have to agree that this story is a powerful one about vision. It was the sense of destiny that kept the hero moving ahead against all odds, until he achieved his goal and dream - to be united with the love of his life. His faith and vision ignited faith and vision in her and enabled her to rise to that destiny. The power of that faith spoke to the brother who had the power to help to make it happen, despite his own lack of faith and vision, his own compromise and corruption.

I am excited about the power of vision. If I weren't I wouldn't have applied for and been accepted this past week into a training program to become a professional Christian Life Coach. Life Coaching is about helping others close the gap between their vision for their lives and the realities they live with every day. It is about implanting in others what God has implanted in me, and what I have to ask others to encourage me in, and have to grow in faith about every single day.

Proverbs 29:18 says "Where there is no vision, the people perish." This is so true. We may not perish physically, but we may perish morally, emotionally or spiritually, if we have no vision, and certainly if we do not have God's vision for our lives. And we know that He works with our visions and dreams, the desires of our hearts, and weaves them into the visions for our whole lives. His grace makes Romans 8:28 true every day, and more especially as we move forward very intentionally in obedience to our calling and vision.

But there are no shortcuts. I was reminded of that as I went onto www.biblegateway.com this morning to find the correct reference for that verse. All across the top of the website was a moving ad from a Christian university saying "There are no shortcuts to the fulfillment of God's plans for you." It was a highlighting of my reading for today in the Bible League Devotional Planner: "We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Cor. 5:7 And as if God was determined I should never ever forget it, Streams in the Desert for today had these words:

There is no way of learning faith except by trial. It is God's school of faith, and it is far better for us to learn to trust God than to enjoy life...The lesson of faith, once learned, is an everlasting acquisition and an eternal fortune made; and without trust even riches will leave us poor.
(from Days of Heaven on Earth)

The hero of Slumdog Millionaire got the money and the girl. We like him getting the money because he didn't cheat, and he went on the program to win the girl. So the fairy tale rings true as they always do, to teach us universal truths, as this one teaches us about the power of vision. But for those of us who know Jesus Christ, and who have our vision for our lives caught up with Him, we must be willing to pay big prices for the fulfillment of that vision, must accept the hardship of having no shortcuts, and must learn true faith by trial.

As I write my mind is flashing back, visually and audibly, to a scene at a conference a few years ago. Members of a Christian worship band were praying over us. One of them began shouting over me: "FAITH! FAITH!! Woman of FAITH!! You are a great woman of FAITH!! It is FAITH that will change your circumstances!!!!". Well, five years down the road, I can see how faith has changed my circumstances, and brought me further along the road to the fulfilment of my vision, of God's vision for my life. And indeed there have been no shortcuts. And often each day I can still feel like a beginner in the school of faith. But I have a faithful Father, who undergirds me and leads me on, and empowers me with faith, through His Holy Spirit.

And the Lord answered me, and said, "Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie; though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come." ( Habakkuk 2: 2-3)

This is a version of the Lord's prayer that I wrote for a reflection session at our church in May of 2007. It was subsequently published in the church newsletter. It was a very helpful exercise for me, and others, to put my own words and thoughts into the structure of the Lord's Prayer. I could have edited it and made it shorter, but somehow it seems appropriate to share it as I wrote it then. I suggest it as an exercise for you, especially in this season of Lent.

The Lord's Prayer According to Meg (posted Friday, March 6th)

Our Father, who art in Heaven....

Daddy God, my heavenly father, shared with all who live, creator of the universe, father of all, who dwells on high in heaven, as well as in my heart, who dwells in me and in the hearts of all who seek you, who want to be with you now and in heaven,

Hallowed be your name.....

You are holy to me...I call your name holy to all...may I always do so...may I always keep your name holy...may I always call others to do so too...may I see your name hallowed in all the earth, as the day of your coming approaches....

Your kingdom come....

I long to see your kingdom come here on earth...may all that you are and all that you give me and all that comes from you and all that you want to see happen...may it come to pass in every way and place and time...especially in my life, my heart, my home, my relationships, my town, my province, my country....

Your will be done....

I want to do your will...I want to see others do your will...today, and every day...from now on...not my will, but your will...knowing that what you will is best for me and for all, higher and better and truer and freer...even when I don't understand....

On earth, as it is in Heaven....

Here and now...in the future...here on earth...I want to see all that you already see from heaven...all the possibilities and hopes and dreams you have for all of us...that you have had from before our lives began...from before time began...I want to see that happen...may all that I am be available to help that happen....

Give us this day our daily bread.....

Daddy, I ask and trust you for all that I need today, for me and for all your children, all that our bodies, minds and hearts need to grow and become all that you call me and your children to be today and in the days to come....

And forgive us our trespasses....

Daddy God, forgive me and all your children for all that I and we have done and said, all that I and we do and say, all that I and we will do and say today and in the days to come that will go outside of the boundaries you have laid out for me and for your children in our words and actions....

As we forgive those who trespass against us....

I know that we can ask for this forgiveness if we are willing to give it to those who trespass our boundaries, who violate us and abuse us and misunderstand us, and that the more I and we understand our own brokenness and sinfulness and weakness and recognize how unable we are without your power to do what you call us to do in loving others and even ourselves....the more we will be able to accept others in all their weakness and brokenness which causes them to do the things that hurt me and others....

And lead us not into temptation....

Daddy, I need you to order my steps today...to go before me and walk beside me...to lead me into all that you want me to do and be...we all need you to do that...so that we will not stray into situations and relationships that are dangerous to us or to others...so that we will not trespass your boundaries in our thoughts and words and actions....so that we will not get into the kind of trouble that is really of our own making....

But deliver us from evil....

Since you know us so well, Daddy, we can rely on you to see us out of trouble that will come our way, that becomes evil or is already evil, but we ask you anyway to protect us and take us through and out of all that is evil, in situations and in people, in our own thoughts and emotions, because you are faithful and you know we seek to follow you and be all that you want us to be....

For yours is the kingdom...

It's really all about you, Daddy. You set it up and you have your plans...you know the end from the beginning....

The power....

You could do it all for us...for you have awesome, total and unlimited power to do all that you want...after all you created the universe...and you give us your power....you want to use your power in our lives...to be and do all that we need...so that we may be and do all that you need us to do in our lives, in this world....

And the glory....

Your majesty and your glory are unbelievable and beyond description...and you want to bring your glory to pass in our lives....you want to share your glory with us....you want all that we are and do to shine with the witness of your presence...

Forever and ever....

I can't imagine forever but I believe it....that all this is true and always has been and always will be and that you can make it all so...that just as you have been and will be forever so we can be forever with you....

Amen....

So be it, Daddy....may I always believe and know and do all that I have said here...may I mean it more each day...may I always seek to live according to these words...may we live according to your words....your plans...your dreams....and may all that you offer us bring to pass all our words and plans and dreams that you delight in.

joy in celebrating quietness and trust

I wrote another post for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com this week, because there was a gap that I offered to fill. I had written a piece for our Lenten church newsletter, so I adapted it for the blog, and there it was. I didn't get around to posting it on the day, so here it is now.

Some Quiet Words for Lent

Speak up with confidence!! That seems to be the message of the world. Proclaim yourself out there. Usually we see those who do lots of that as the confident ones. But so often God’s message to us is the opposite of what the world says.“In quietness and confidence shall be your strength”. (Isaiah 30:15) That was the translation of the words in the version my grandmother quoted when she gave me that verse on my confirmation day in Windsor, January 13th, 1963. I can still see the words in her homey rounded handwriting on a vellum card, pasted on the black inner lining pages of one of my grandfather’s Bibles that she passed on to me. Dear Granny Kay, dear, dear wife of my saintly grandfather, a beloved Canadian bishop who had died in London, Ontario seven years before that day. She and he exemplified that verse for me, and for many others. Their quiet strength, their humble trust and confidence in God helped to build the bedrock of my faith’s foundation.

I have been reflecting on that verse for more than just a Lenten season or two. In particular I have been pondering it in relation to many events and concerns in my faith journey that I have the privilege of sharing with you on this blog. Knowing that you will be waiting for encouraging words on my day to write gives me reason to more intentionally reflect on ways that God speaks to me as I go through my days. It is an incredibly rewarding experience. Perhaps when we each have to pull together thoughts for others we come up with much that enriches our own lives and thinking. And what is really important is what the words do for us, for all that really matters is what is going on in our own hearts, and between us and God.

Our constant inner chatter, surface voices or deep truths expressed in the riddles of our dreams, is known to God as well as to us. He knows and hears it all, and seeks to have His loving words break through the chatter, bring His voice of truth into the bedlam of our fears, hopes and dreams. And how else can we hear His voice than by being quiet? That doesn’t mean taking a vow of silence for the season of Lent, or not sharing our concerns with others. It might even mean finding our voices in new ways, as I have done through writing on a blog. Each of us will know what it means to be quiet, just as each of us will know what it means to have our confidence in God, and finding our strength there. Some of the other translations for Isaiah 30:15 use the word trust instead of confidence, making it very clear that it is our trust in God that gives us confidence.

My prayer for each of us, and especially for myself, is that in this season of Lent, as we prepare ourselves for the commemoration of those great events which are the source of our confidence and trust, the death and resurrection of our mighty humble Saviour and King , Jesus Christ, is that we will find new ways to be quiet within our hearts and minds, and new ways to grow in confidence and trust in Him.

joy in giving tribute to a dear friend and her words

I was pleased that I was reminded this week, again, of special words of a friend in Uganda, and pleased that my weekly post on the devotional blog, www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com, could give me opportunity to give tribute to this friend in a public way. It was the Lenten season Ash Wednesday service that gave me the connection, words and concept wise, with her words. Here it is:

Down in the Dust - with Jesus

"For dust you are and to dust you will return." Genesis 3:19

The familiar words jolted my memory during the Ash Wednesday service this week. I am not a religious Christian, nor a religious Anglican. I hang loose to various rituals and customs in my denominational tradition. But neither do I shun them at times because I am confident that God can speak to me in any way He chooses, even in church. So this week I chose to attend this special service, confident also that there would be a great message, as there always is, from our gifted and wise female pastor/priest, Kelly. So I had the ashes imposed, and began the season of Lenten reflection with a black sign of the cross on my forehead. It didn't last long, so I didn't have to worry about parading my piety out in the world. I got what I came for - an opportunity to reflect quietly in a shared and sacred space.

Dust was on my mind, and the phrase repeated by my dear Ugandan friend, Canon Marie. She used to say that the only D.D. she wanted was "Down in the Dust." The D.D. of course we were speaking of was the title of Doctor of Divinity, an honorary or earned degree. "Down in the dust", she said, "down in the dust with Jesus." Canon Marie's comment was typical of her honesty and her humility, two of the qualities which had drawn us into close friendship during my family's missionary years in Uganda. Together we began an English Bible Class which still operates more than ten years later, and eight years after our departure from that beautiful land.

But it wasn't just a saying for my dear friend Marie. It was a reality she lived. Up before dawn every day she did heavy digging in her vegetable garden, eager to make a little extra money for her family at the local market. Then a full day doing ministry in the church and home to prepare an evening meal for her husband and family of boys. Her long years of service in the church had been recognized with the title and honour of Canon. However she was a woman, and she was a friend of "the whites". She was my friend, when people didn't understand us, when people didn't like us, when people told lies about us, when people told lies about her, and the supposed advantages she had gained through being my friend. When we suffered deeply from the prejudice that eventually turned to danger and sent us home to protect our family, I could do nothing about the suffering that came upon her. I often wondered, and said to her later, that if I had known what she would suffer for being my friend I wonder if I would have pursued that friendship which brought me so much comfort and opportunity for ministry.

I believe Canon Marie has known and continues to know what it means to be "Down in the Dust". And she knows also, as I do, that it is the only safe place to be. It is not safe to be "special", to be in an important position, to be in special ministry or in any way "above" others. Soon enough something will happen to bring us down into the dust. And when we are we know for sure the joy of His presence with us, as He walks with us along roads of suffering and sacrifice, which eventually bring us into the resurrection freedom He has promised for us.

I am glad I can remember these words and principles this Lent. And I shall never forget them.

joy in knowing He knows my heart better than anyone

Life is getting simpler for me...in all its complexity. Simpler inside because I don't run away so much from what I feel. I acknowledge it to myself at least, and don't try to have all the answers. And my security in God's knowledge of me, and His unfailing love for me, is growing deeper every day. Last night my daughter had her second showing and sharing of her journey in photos of stories in Uganda last summer, her return to the home of her childhood, with my other daughter joining her. Both times we had between 25 and 30 friends and acquaintances. Both times she did so well, and we enjoyed hosting with Ugandan food and blessing our friends...but it's all work, and all tiring, on top of the rest of life. But it was a joy, and it also brought up many past questions and issues for me about our life there, and the big story that it will always be in my own life. So, along with work and study and all that life has brought this past week, I wrote my blog post around midnight last night, having the comfort and simplicity of a song I found this week by the same artist who did the one I posted last Saturday. It is simple and deep. The way I like to be. Here is the post from the devotional team blog I write for on Saturdays, with the song: (www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com):

No One Knows My Heart Better Than You

The end of a long evening, a long day, a long week. I reflect on many conversations, many questions in my mind and heart, many wonderings about relationships. Some moments and conversations were filled with deep understanding on many levels. Some were filled with tension and confusion, causing my mind to swirl. Sometimes I wished I had not shared as much as I did. Some times I wished I had shared more. Sometimes I lay awake pondering it all. But the place of comfort and peace was in my Heavenly Father's presence. I crawled into His lap in my heart, and accepted His love, became His little child again, and rested in the knowledge of the depth of His knowledge of me. It didn't matter anymore how much I was understood or not by others, because He understands me, and I see by His touch in my life in so many ways that He is able to work out what I need to happen to move ahead, despite the agony of living,as this song expresses it.

So here is this comforting truth, expressed for us all, in a song.

No One Knows My Heart Better Than You

Standing at my window, hidden by the night
Harboring the private wounds, safe and out of sight
There's an agony in living, but there's a comfort in the truth
That no one knows my heart better than You.

I can face a lot of people with this sanguine act of mine
Guarded by the eloquence I sometimes hide behind
But it's a veil of false pretenses that You can see right thru
'Cause no one knows my heart better than You.

Part of me is reaching, and part of me holds back
But when it comes to You I am a doorway
You're free to walk into
'Cause no one knows my heart better than You.

Words and music by Susan Ashton, Billy Sprague and Wayne Kirkpatrick
Copywright 1991 Birdwing Music/Sking Horse Inc. ASCAP/Emily Boothe, Inc. (BMI)