joy in rejoicing in this year, and looking forward to the next

What a prosaic title....but of course it's what we are all doing, I trust. It has been a hard year, and also a wonderful year. I have grown so much, and learned so much, and there is so much that I am grateful for, so much to look forward to, whatever the difficulties and trials of life. I trust it is the same for any of you reading this.

My plan to start a new blog will have to wait until the new year...part of the whole thing of being realistic and not binding myself into boxes and rules that I don't need to...keeping dates that don't matter and trying to tie things up neatly instead of just letting them be what they are...so whenever it happens, I will have a new blog...and tie this one into it...it doesn't have to be neatly at the end of the year or the beginning of the new one...

To anyone who reads this from time to time, bless your hearts and days in the year to come!!!

joy in God's incarnated lessons at Christmas

This is my weekly post again for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. Life is too busy now to try to write daily posts, so at least I am doing this much!

Incarnated Lessons at Christmas

Christmas is a time for celebrating God's greatest "invention" - incarnating Himself in a human baby body, and speaking to us of His love, His servanthood, His humility, His sharing in our lives, by drawing us into His journey to and birth in a stable manger. We talk often in sermons and books about the lessons we learn from this, how God continues to incarnate Himself in our lives in so many ways. But it still feels to me that I don't expect Him to. I somehow believe that certain events are separate from who we really are, even when we are with family and friends. And then He surprises us again with new evidence of His awareness of us, new speech through the language of our bodies.

Such was my experience this Christmas day. My daughters and I had created a lovely Christmas atmosphere, for ourselves as a family, and for our guests later in the day. While a bit pressured, those preparations were meaningful and fruitful. We enjoyed the moments of giving and receiving gifts carefully chosen for each other. That seemed enough for me, being with my family and enjoying their joy, their company. I was not prepared for what happened. My older daughter had saved a special gift to the last. It was a photo book of her recent photos from the trip to Uganda this year by both our daughters, blended with photos from their childhood there, mostly taken by me. She had it made into a beautiful bound book by Mac. It is called THE RETURN HOME. As I moved from page to page, seeing the combination of past and present, familiar faces and places, all sensitively bound together, I cried and cried. "It takes a lot to make Mum cry", my daughter had said to someone the week before, in another context. And it is true. And here I was, on Christmas morning, blubbering my eyes out over photos I had seen many times before.

My body was telling me that there is so much grief still to heal, so much joy still to celebrate, about our years in Uganda. Amazed and overwhelmed by this incarnated sign of God's love, I had to stop and put it aside, and get on with preparations for our Christmas dinner guests.

We had a delightful meal in every way, with meaningful conversation and delicious food. Games and laughter followed for hours. A friend from Toronto phoned to share her good news after months of trials. A neighbour dropped in to join us for dessert and games. It had been a great day. Our guests left in mid evening, all of us in cheery form.

I was tired and went to bed early, suddenly aware of huge fatigue, wondering if I had a bug. My stomach warned me of impending events, and I tried to stave off the wretched moment. I could not believe it was happening after such a special day. I had not overeaten and no one else seemed ill affected by the food. The pain would not go away, and the relief was swift, but there was more to come. Sleep came after many hours, and the next morning I asked the Lord what it was all about.

Somehow I knew it was not a bug, or food poisoning. It was my body telling me that there is too much going on in my life. That there is so much left to heal, and that I ignore my emotions and they come out through my body. I need to pay more attention and take better care of me. God was doing me a favour by incarnating truth in a way that I would get the message.

Later the next day he gave me a conversation with one of the guests, at their drop in gathering down the street. She saw the incarnated lesson clearly, and, from her own very parallel experiences, of mission life, sudden loss and great grief, and ignoring her own emotions, added her words to God's message. He made sure I would receive this sign of His love to me, His personal agenda of concern and care for me in the midst of this season for others.

And that is His constant message to each and every one of us. We are individually so important to Him that He cares enough to give us suffering in our bodies to pay attention to our needs, and to readjust our focus. We can never do without incarnation, with our bodies to tell us what we need to know. I think we as Christians, let alone as humans, so often ignore and abuse our bodies, and think that spiritual truth can only speak in disembodied ways. But so often it is the opposite. God knew that from the very beginning, of course. And He continues to graciously tell us what He knows, every way He can, every day. What a good God.

joy in Christmas in the global village

Here is my post today for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. Hope it strikes a chord with you too:

Christmas in the Global Village

Headlines declare the truce in Israel has come “to an explosive end.” My mind jerks back to the plate I bargained for in the silent auction at the Salvation Army Thrift Shop. I know my $25 will go to a good cause this Christmas. The plate was hand made in Jerusalem, beautiful coloured glass outlining features of this city I have loved and visited. How are those we knew doing in the midst of all the turmoil? I remember how chilly it was in the shepherds’ fields near Bethlehem on Christmas Eve in 1995 when we made our pilgrimage with our children to fulfill their wish on our way to missionary life in Uganda. No donkey bore us there. We took the tourist bus, glad to be safe from the mobs in Nativity Square celebrating a messiah in a keffiya, that leader now dead whose words did not give life.

The radio interview with a family therapist gives wise counsel about family system issues that are likely to crop up at Christmas gatherings. I reflect upon my learning in my counselling training, flashing forward a few years to the time when I will sit with people and help them sort out their deep personal issues that keep them imprisoned in negative patterns. I hope to be someone who will give life to others through my words.

I sit at the car repair garage, wrestling with the latest verdict about my computer controlled newest secondhand car. Several hundred dollars will replace a heat sensor and allow the Check Engine light to go off again. I mutter to the mechanics that I really belong in the middle ages with a horse and buggy.

We send photos to friends in Africa of our family standing in deep snow in our back yard by the Muskoka River. How will they spend Christmas? Much as they did when we lived among them, going to church, maybe having some meat in their usual routine meal, maybe not. Sharing a few cards among friends, but no tree, no old family dishes, lace tablecloths, special turkey on a platter such as we will share this year, with friends and family. Their candles are more likely to be needed for light than for the decorative effect I will create.

I listen enthralled in a pew in an Ontario village, feasting on selections from The Messiah by the choir at my nephew’s college. The maestro celebrates the timelessness of the words and music, for him, for us all, citing the thousands upon thousands of times he has conducted these songs in his relatively young life. Mural paintings depicting the Holy Family and the saints cover the high walls like elegant wrapping paper. I muse upon this explosion of life giving words, music and art in a humble snowy village in the depth of Canadian winter.

My daughter writes an essay on the much ignored world issue of the death every day of preventable diseases of more than 26,000 children. We speculate together on the world responses and causes – indifference? corruption? ignorance? confusion? How do I respond? How can I sort it out in my own heart? Where and how can I give life in the face of such odds? How do I put it together this Christmas?

Life giving words come through the car CD player as I navigate the latest snowfall.

I’ve looked for love in so many places
Trying to find out where I belong
Wandering through this barren land of longing
Looking for the place called home, a place called home.

You said “Come to Me all you who are so weary
And you will find true rest for your souls”
Lord, let these words of life speak into my heart
Anywhere I am I can be home.

You are my home, You’re my true home
I am safe inside the shelter of Your love;
You are my home, You’re my true home,
I am free to be child once again.

Oh, I ‘m free in You.

You are my one true destination
The place I eternally belong.
You made me from the earth and then You breathed into me life
Redeemed from my sin and brought me home.
…….
My heart is restless, till it rests in You
My heart is restless, till it rests in You.
Until I dwell in You
Until I find my home in You.

Brian Doerksen “You are My Home”

joy in making new starts, and making new rules

I guess there are lots of times for starting over. And starting anew. Seems with me, even if I like doing this, it is also stressful. Anyway, today, as well as learning to use our new snowblower, going for a swim in the new rec centre for the first time in the two years since it opened, I decided to open a new blog and start afresh with a new approach. I am going to call it My Sacred Scrapbook, and use it to share in a similar way to what I have already done, but with greater freedom to do a lot more random stuff. The way I set this one up, I had to put joy somewhere in the title each time. Now those were just my "rules". But it seems in some ways I get to be my own kind of stickler for rules. And then I can find them confining. I have been really challenged by seeing a few other blogs, most notably one called Holy Experience. It is done in a way that says to me to do it that way. Some of us need to find our own way to do things, and some of us need someone else's example to follow. So I am going to set up this new blog over the Christmas holiday period, and get the look sorted out in a more deliberate way and enjoy having it ready for the new year. I will also find out how to make sure that people who try out this one can find me on the new blog. I am going to do research looking at other people's blogs, and share their addresses here too, as recommendations. So I will be putting my energy into that in the next while, as well as writing my usual Saturday posts for the devotional team blog, www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. It is through that blog, which incidentally tied for 3rd place in the Canadian Blog Awards Best Religion and Philosophy Blog category, that I have met some other blogs. There is really some interesting stuff around. It all challenges my creativity, and my writing style. I love that. So may we all enjoy the new starts that are coming our way, and be willing to make them, and to keep moving on, at our own paces, finding His joy in our creativity and courage.

joy in the bleak midwinter

This is my weekly post for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. I'm in a very positive mode myself these days, but this reflection is borne out of past times of struggle, and my capacity now to use that learning to reach out to others.


Blessings in the bleak midwinter

“In the bleak midwinter. frosty wind made moan, earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone. Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow, in the bleak midwinter, long ago.” I look at the words of this old hymn and discover it was written by one of my favourite poets, Christina Rossetti. I guess even in Victorian England she knew what it was to watch the snow endlessly falling, and feel overwhelmed by winter.

So many people are feeling like that these days. Despite the wonderful winter sun, reflecting off the mountains of snow on our deck, the cozy heat inside, cheery plans for Christmas, gratitude for so much that I have, I can be overcome by winter’s intensity. Yes, I am learning to embrace it, and love it, and to do more outdoor activities, after many years of winter in milder climes. I remind myself, in this eighth winter in Muskoka, that every Christmas in Uganda I felt strange, that I often shrunk from the intensity of the heat there, and longed for the changing seasons, the brilliance of fall, the sweetness of spring. When I lived in Scotland, or in British Columbia, I adjusted to the rain and dark days, and missed the brightness of winter snow in Ontario. So now I have lots and lots of it, and I am learning to love it.

Nevertheless, I think of what winter does to so many people, bringing extra hardship, perhaps even death with inadequate heat, or, at worst, by exposure through no place to stay, even on the streets of Toronto. I think of people sleeping on the vents in the sidewalks on Queen St., their sleeping blankets and bags left there for the day. How many people dread winter just because of the depression that will come? My own inner struggles open my heart to such people.

This is one treasure of darkness, of bleakness, to the extent that I know it. I wrote on July 30th of how God had spoken to me about such treasures, years ago when we went through many harsh things in Uganda. I find in today’s reading in Streams in the Desert, that Mrs. Charles E. Cowman also took those words from Isaiah 45:3 as a rhema word from God to her heart. No surprise, given all the meditations in her precious books. As so often, the excerpts she shares from others speak profoundly to us all, across the years, and the differences in our circumstances, for we are all united in our understanding of suffering.


“In the famous lace shops of Brussels, there are certain rooms devoted to the spinning of the finest and most delicate patterns. These rooms are altogether darkened, save for a light from one very small window, which falls directly upon the pattern. There is only one spinner in the room, and he sits where the narrow stream of light falls upon the threads of his weaving. Thus’, we are told by the guide,’do we secure our choicest products. Lace is always more delicately and beautifully woven when the worker himself is in the dark and only his pattern is in the light.’

May it not be the same with us in our weaving? Sometimes it is very dark. We cannot understand what we are doing. We do not see the web we are weaving. We are not able to discover any beauty, any possible good in our experience. Yet if we are faithful and faint not, we shall some day know that the most exquisite work of all our life was done in those days when it was so dark.

If you are in the deep shadows because of some strange, mysterious providence, do not be afraid. Simply go on in faith and love, never doubting, God is watching, and He will bring good and beauty out of all your pain and tears. “ J.R. Miller.

The shuttles of His purpose move
To carry out His own design;
Seek not too soon to disapprove
His work, nor yet assign
Dark motives, when, with silent tread,
You view some somber fold:
For lo, within each darker thread
There twines a thread of gold.

Spin cheerfully,
Not tearfully,
He knows the way you plod;
Spin carefully,
Spin prayerfully,
But love the thread with God.

(from The Canadian Home Journal)

joy in letting go and letting God

This is Advent, a season for opening up more and more to God, and, I believe, for letting go...seems as we approach Christmas we let go of various things, money being the chief one!!!But somehow for me, it is about relaxing..not that I do much of that, but I think relaxing from feeling I have to do things a certain way. So what that translates into with this blog is that I will write when I do, and I don't know when that will be. It will certainly be once a week, on a Saturday, because that is when I publish a post on www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. So I always put that same post on this blog. But other than that, I am just going to let it happen, and if it doesn't, then fine. I am not going to be religious about my blog, as in observing a sort of ritual about it. And I certainly don't want to write something for the sake of it...and I get quickly sick of hearing my own "voice" as it were. More than five months of this blogging has been a great discipline, a great outlet, healing and challenging. It has also left me feeling exposed at times, as I have shared some personal stuff and really put myself out there. So I want to be sure that I am comfortable with what I am sharing on a long term basis, and also that I am saying something worth saying. So, to whomever reads this, blessings on your beings..and may you continue to walk hand in hand with our heavenly Father, with Jesus, in the power of the Holy Spirit.

joy in the new song in my mouth

Well, the modem got here on Friday, which was a great blessing so I could upload my weekly post for the devotional team blog I write for, on Saturdays now, instead of Wednesdays. It has been good to have a wee break from blogging, and it's good to be back online, so to speak! Here's my special post for the week, which comes out of my session with my Spiritual Director a week ago.


Hearing and singing a new song in my heart

“Now relax, and go in peace into each new day and trust me mightily for the future.” These were the closing words I wrote down that God spoke into my heart in a time of deep communion with Him several weeks ago. I have become used to God speaking such words to me, and have recorded them for many years now. God knows that I need to hear from Him in other ways too. He has placed people in my life to give me landmarks in my progress and upward growth. A few days after those words directly from God to me on my own, my spiritual friend quoted these verses to me:

I waited patiently for the Lord;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
Out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
And gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
A hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
And put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40: 1-3

As she read these words, as she had received them from God, I realized that despite my many years of walking in companionship with the Lord, I had still been in and out of a slimy pit, a muddy emotional uncertainty about His ultimate view of me, His faithfulness and promise of good things. These words reflected the recent shift within me to a place of deep and absolute conviction in His goodness. I was on solid ground. Not only that, as I listened I heard in my head the very new song as God declared He had put it in my mouth.

This is my song of praise to You,
For who You are and all that You do;
From the moment my life began
You have been faithful.

It was a song I had heard somewhere but never sung myself or in our woship team. I was eager to get back home and find out who wrote and sang it and learn it fully so that I could sing this song to the world, so that “many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.”

I knew God was saying in this line that all my struggles would be used as a sign, a witness to the world of His faithfulness, when others would see how He had brought me through in a way that only He could do. I remembered the lessons I used to teach to others about the big picture lines in the Old Testament. I learned them myself through a Perspectives course where we would look for the line in various stories, psalms and passages that would show why God had done mighty deeds, such as the slaying of Goliath, “so that all the world would know that there was a God in Israel”.

I realized too that the song He had put in my mouth, flowing out of my heart, was like the recitation of His deeds in the mouths of His people in the Bible. They reminded themselves of His faithfulness to them in the past in order to stir up their faith in Him for the future. In a similar way I could tell His story of my life to draw others to faith and trust in Him.

Even now, He reminds me of words He spoke to me through a stranger at a Renewal conference over 25 years ago: “Let go of the pen with which I (God) am writing the story of your life. When I (God) write the story of your life, what beautiful stories I (God) will write.” Now I thank you, Lord, for this beautiful story that I am writing,(which comes from You), and I thank You for this beautiful song, written and sung by another, but written and singing in my heart forevermore.

Faithful Father

Father, I can’t explain this kind of love
This kind of grace
I know I still break Your heart
And yet You run to welcome me

This is my song of praise to You
For who You are and all that You do
From the moment my life began
You have been faithful.

Father I love the way you hold me close
And say my name
I know when my life is through
My heart will find its home in You

This is my song of praise to You
For who You are and all that You do
From the moment my life began
You have been faithful
You will be faithful
Forever faithful
Father

This is our song of praise to You
For who You are and all that You do
From before the world began
You have been faithful
You have been faithful
You will be faithful
Forever faithful
Father.

Words and Music by Brian Doerksen
Mercy/Vineyard Publishing

joy in a forced change of habit

Our modem died yesterday and a new one is coming in the mail. Interestingly enough, we are all glad to have the break from the temptations of technology. I am at the local library now, having got exercise walking over. But I have a busy day, and I am going to take a rest from blogging as well. It is good, always, to rest from anything I think...God did.

joy in making spaces in my day

I find it hard to really say I am slowing down, but I am taking things as they come. When I was studying too much for the season of my life, or pushing too much with the combination of work and home, I was not able to respond with my whole heart to each relationship and conversation, need or opportunity that came my way. I was agitated inside about everything else I had to do. Now that for some time I have taken time to clear up backlogs and create spaces for everything in physical ways in my home (remember your teacher who said "A place for everything and everything in its place"?) I am more able to give space to people and their needs. Before when I did that it would add extra pressure to everything else, or else I would not be fully present to the person. Now when my daughters want to discuss things, need me to look at their work or plan something, I can connect with my whole being.

Last night a pastor friend down the road invited me for a late evening walk on the snowy roads. It was great to be free to walk all over the downtown with her sharing about our days and relaxing by using our muscles before bedtime. My spiritual director whom I met with on Friday in Toronto was so delighted that I am on my "own program", not someone else's, that I am making my way, finding my way, on my own with the Lord, and not feeling I have to do things a certain way to please others, but to know I am pleasing God by what I am doing. She has been longing to see that in me for a long time.

I find as well that when I do this, making space for myself and others, then of course there is more space for God. I delight even more to commune with Him, because my sense of His presence has increased, and my sense of His blessing on my life is greater. When I was overtaxed then I felt resentment more easily, against myself and my failings, against others, and so indirectly against Him, because somehow I mistakenly believed that it was His will that was leading me to have to get so much done so quickly.

My prayer is that I will even more deeply celebrate His presence in my day, and that as I make more spaces in every way, that what is fitting for each space, physically, or emotionally, or whatever else, will all become clear, and a continuing growth of His order in my life will emerge. Yes, this is the journey I have been on for a long time. I am just putting clearer words to it, as the shape and rhythm emerge more clearly.

joy in lessons learned in Muskoka weather

I sit beside the office window that looks out on the snow covered street. My daughter and I have just returned from the school, where we learned the cancellation notice had gone out just after we left the house. Her trip to Toronto is off. Such is life in Muskoka in particular in the winter. I am grateful for being cozy inside, with lots to do. I am also more used to winter driving. Nevertheless the child in me prefers not to deal with harsh reality so much of the time. I didn't grow up here. I lived many years in Windsor, London, Hamilton, Toronto, Scotland, North Vancouver, Uganda. I am still learning to embrace and love winter. Lots of changes. I embraced rain, fog, and harsh sunlight. Now it's snow and snow and snow. How much there is to learn in life, about weather and dealing with it, let alone about everything else!!! And I have so many comforts and pleasant boundaries, even with all that is difficult for me. How much I learn as I grow older about not comparing myself with others, about seeing things from their perspective, and about not expecting them to understand mine. It becomes easier not to try to prove things, to explain things. Especially when I know that my heavenly father keeps track of it all, knows it all, understands it all. As my intimacy with Him increases, then my need to be understood by others decreases. What else works? And in time, what needs to be revealed, about myself and about others, will be. That is where the joy is. Let it snow.

joy in the new song in my mouth

Today I am rejoicing because of the confirmation God has been giving me of His work in my life. When I met with my spiritual director on Friday afternoon at Tyndale, she was excited to see the growth and fruit in my life, and her confirming scripture verses were exciting to me, of course, as always. One verse was from Psalm 40: " He put a new song in my mouth". As soon as she said that, I began to sing this song in my mind:

This is my song of praise to you
For who you are and all that you do
From the moment my life began,
You have been faithful,
You will be faithful,
Forever faithful.

I couldn't remember at the time who sang it or where I had heard it, but when I got home I was able to find it on You Tube of course, and it is embedded in a medley of songs by Brian Doerksen, which I share here now with you.

joy in making an offering to world issues

My daughter and I discuss her assignments for her World Issues class. Her deep heart expresses itself through her choices: modern slavery, child soldiers, invisible victims of war in Northern Uganda, the ignored plight of the southern Sudanese. Two years before my other daughter did projects on the genocide in Rwanda, won acclaim for her film about the needs in Kenya, spent a Christmas in an orphanage in Kenya. This summer both daughters returned to their childhood home in Uganda, on their own, reconnecting with former playmates who today are successful, healthy and happy.

I continue to battle for professional and financial survival back in small town Ontario. Gone are my missionary days, when I was free to work without pay, create and carry through projects, help various poor friends, respond to needs on our doorstep. Even gone are the days of sitting by the bedside of the daughter of a friend dying of AIDS, through no fault of her own, weeping with her friends and family. I shall never forget the day I arrived at the home of another friend in time to see her shrivelled body placed in a rough wooden coffin. In four years she had gone from a bouncy vital laughing woman to a tiny shrunken drug crazed victim of AIDS. I didn't know the reason, but I saw the horror before my eyes.

In those days I felt connected to world issues. I lived among them and made my offering in these various ways. Now I wonder how to do that. Yes, I support other missionaries, yes I helped my daughter adopt her own foster child, yes I am training to help people in the western world with their private agonies. I see misery and pain before my eyes every time I go supply teaching. What is my offering? I have been a Sunday school teacher and now a worship leader. I go to Worship conferences, not conferences on AIDS and world issues.

Now I have a little platform on this blog, and on my own personal blog. I have reflected much on God's gracious work in my own heart, His healing presence in my own life. Yes, it has blessed others. But what does it have to do with these huge world issues? Each time I have attended Christian concerts with my daughters or worship conferences with famous worship leaders I have been so impressed at how they used their platform to address world issues. They themselves have not been able to serve as missionaries for long periods of time. Their calling is to lead worship, to write songs, to give glory to God through their music and words. But they have realized their power, and used it to point their audiences to these needs.

I was reminded again of that power when I found this video from one of my favourite worship bands, Third Day. I share it now with you. As we move into Advent, preparing for Christmas, it is indeed a fitting time to remember what is going on in the wider world, and do what we can, each day, through prayer, or whatever other means, to do our part, as God leads.

Today, on this platform, I make this offering.

joy in the benefits of a flexible schedule

I have often complained to myself and sometimes to others about not having a full time job, but also been glad of the flexibility of supply teaching, studying and planning the other things I am. Today is a day to celebrate this flexibility. It is a school day, but because my younger daughter has a PA day, and my older daughter needs to look at the University of Toronto and go on their tour today, I can take the day to go with them and we can enjoy our day together. I can even fit in a visit with my Spiritual Director, with whom I would usually talk on the phone since I am not a student down there myself these days. So I am off to make us a big breakfast and hit the road...what a blessing there is only a light extra dusting of snow and the driving should be fine...all three of us can drive...we'll keep the coffee business going too.

joy in making use of experience in a creative and helpful way

This week I have been working on a lesson/presentation for my Adult Education training course on Saturday. We are allowed to teach about anything, and have to make it dynamic in 10 to 15 minutes. One of my classmates, knowing of my experience of living in Africa, suggested I do something about the differences between what people think and what actually happens when you visit and live there. That inspiration led to my developing a lesson about a crosscultural communication issue that is actually difficult and annoying to deal with, but common to all foreigners visiting Africa. I have called it The Mzungu Factor. Instead of talking about my own experience, I was able to make use of a search engine to find many instances of the same experience for others in their blogs, as tourists, volunteers, missionaries, whatever. It has been helpful to me as well, because it has focused something I found hard, as my daughters did, an ongoing experience of a kind of racism. There are historical reasons for it rooted in colonialism, and with all of us coming from the rich west it is understandable. However, that still doesn't change how it can feel, and so the benefit of my "teaching" about this is that it can prepare people for such an experience and help them to prepare to deal with it. If any of you want to know more about what I am talking about, just leave a comment with your email address and I will send you an attachment with my Powerpoint presentation. For me, as my title says, the joy is in making use of my experience in a creative and helpful way.

joy in being more aware of world issues

One of my duties these days is helping my younger daughter with her homework in Grade 12 with her courses in World Issues and Canada and World Politics. Although I have quite an awareness and concern about these areas, I have gotten behind on the specifics. Being thrust into them through this role with my daughter is helping me to get caught up. I am grateful and it is coming at a good time. My own goals and concerns for personal, professional and financial survival are getting sorted out and clarified, and beginning to be realized, and so I can feel that I can take time to read the newspaper intelligently, or bother to engage in a discussion at church or supply teaching where I won't get lost in feeling I am not up to speed. I will also be able to more prayerfully engage in these concerns, and maybe one day write about them.

joy in a burst of joy in my heart

I am up in the night, early morning rather, because of the joy in my heart. I received truth about myself last night, from someone who listens to my life in a profound way. I will try to express some of the depth of what I experienced in a post I will write later in the week for the whateverhesays devotional blog. I am switching my day to post to a weekend, likely Saturday, to make it easier for me to process during the busy week. The joy in my heart right now is from being heard and understood, and having the truth spoken back to me in a new way that takes me out of my doldrums. For that I am so deeply grateful. God is so good.

joy in seeing light at the end of the tunnel

The darkness of winter is setting in. I have had a lot of emotional turmoil the last few days, held well in check, but there nonetheless. One way I have coped often is to have a vision for the future. This morning, in the midst of a carefully manicured version of my turmoil, I phoned the life coaching group that I want to train with, and was able to talk about how they do their work in a Christian way. It was exciting to me to realize that it would be a good fit, which is what had happened in our first conversation. This is especially meaningful to me right now because of how I am feeling. If it gives me a greater sense of order in my life to have a vision of where I am going, work wise, as well as in my spiritual life, then it helps me to cope with the daily ups and downs. So I am grateful for this sign of God's blessing today, and even more so because in my conversation the person said they had to go to a meeting and I realized I had caught her at the perfect time for both of us. God has been faithful to me again. I am blessed and trust I can carry that blessing through this day.

joy in a sabbath rest

Maybe not a lot of rest...but some...and time for worship with others...it is good to have a sabbath that we are free to celebrate in the open. Not so for many.

joy in creating order

I'm off to my second last course in Barrie - glad I won't be driving in snow or rain...glad the courses are almost over..glad they have been so useful and interesting.

Sarah is safely in NYS for a gathering of MK's [ translate missionary kids] , Rachel is working at home, we are moving ahead on finally fixing up our kitchen slowly...I am creating order in the basement in a long term full way that is taking so much more time than I thought it would...I did teach one day again...so I am able to take life in more of an ordered way that goes with my pace...learning to do that is good...going to bed early because I am fighting Sarah's cold...we must take life as it comes..

May blessings lead and follow us all as we keep in order!

joy in God's tenderness and compassion

"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out." Ias. 42:3

Today's verse at the end of the morning Daily Light reading reminds me of the movie I watched with my daughter last night: August Rush. What a lovely movie, about faith and inspiration, courage and trust, and belief in a dream overpowering everything else. And about God's sovereignty and protection, and also about Satan's destructive power. It was all there, although not explicitly intended, I think. You would have to see it to understand what I mean, but it would be well worth it, as well as full of wonderful music. It encouraged me so much, as I watch the lonely child in me desperately believe for my own dreams, and those of others, in the face of so many obstacles, but having the power not only of my dreams, but the friendship of my almighty saviour, who will do and not do as this verse proclaims.

joy in finding my voice again..and seeing more evidence of God

Not sure how long it has been since I gave myself a rest from daily posts, articulating my thoughts and just putting on favourite music. I actually found that it took more time to search for music on YouTube than it takes to write a post. But it was helpful for me not to seek to express stuff for a time, and to do bottom line stuff about my life in the Lord. That seems to be the theme these days for me anyway. There is lots going on in my life on the surface, and just under the surface, and way down deep below the surface. But it seems some of the angst is subsiding. It seems that my level of trust in the Lord is growing and covering the floor of the basement of my heart. I like that image - just came up with it. It's as if I've had..and probably still do...lots of raw patches on this floor of my heart...areas where it hurts to tred...where the floor is rough and cold and bare and hard. Now it seems there is more of a soft layer of carpet over more areas...as if there is more trust in God's total love and care for me.


An extra blessing came for me when Belinda, the organizer of the devotional blog I write for, http://www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com/, emailed our team to say that my post had been quoted on another blog. Marilyn, the writer on that blog, had quoted the line from yesterday's post, "When he came into the room, the air changed." ( see her blog if you like, http://asgoodadayasany.wordpress.com). It was such a blessing to have Marilyn say that our team blog is one of her favourites, and also to expand on the theme in those words I quoted about my grandfather.


Most of all I have found my voice again because I woke up in the night...3 a.m. with the words "Psalm 84" and so of course got up to read it and see what God had to say. I read it in three translations, NIV, the Living Bible, and The Message. Check it out. The main gist I'll refer to today is that I have come through the "Valley of Weeping" and am stronger because of it. I am blessed because of it. So it is a confirmation of what I often quote from Streams in the Desert.


I also found myself singing "Who Am I", the song I embedded yesterday, from Casting Crowns. The line about the Bright and Morning star thrills me. Think of all the names there are for Jesus in the Bible. I must study them again. I have a whole book about them. But somehow that name is so amazing. He can only be God when we call Him that. I can feel so often that I have known God so intimately for so many years, and yet there is so much I don't celebrate. I guess that can be true about people too. We can be so caught up in negative issues about people in our lives that we don't stop to celebrate the positives...the amazing things about them...and even about ourselves.

joy in quietness and confidence

This is the post I wrote for my weekly devotional post on www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. It came out of the huge snowstorm we had this previous Saturday night. I didn't know how it was going to come out when I began to write it, but I am pleased it weaves in themes from my family heritage and my own past life.

The Voice in the Darkness

Three hours driving carefully into the blackness of the night, the white flecks of snow driving mercilessly at our car, mercifully shod with snow tires only two days before. My eyes strained to follow the path laid out by those ahead of me, my arms steadily gripping the wheel, my heart quietly speaking, "In quietness and confidence shall be your strength."

Forty seven years before those words had been pasted by loving hands on a white card on a black page by my Granny Kay, her gift to me for my confirmation, my public profession of faith within my denomination. All the way home, as I stared at white on black, my mind and heart pondered, as many times before, the meaning of those words written so long ago, black on white on black.

The rounded characters of her English style handwriting on that white card spoke to me, as always, of the comfort, warmth and kindness of her character. Dear Granny Kay, specially beloved second wife to my widowed grandfather, precious and dear, Bishop W.T. Hallam, an outstanding evangelical Canadian Anglican bishop in his day, but most of all a man of God, a servant of Christ, of whom my cousin said, "When he came into the room, the air changed." It was one of his Bibles that Granny Kay passed on to me on that special day.

I didn't fully appreciate the significance of those words until many years later. I think at the time I thought them odd, as if they didn't speak enough of great exploits that awaited me in my life in Christ, as if they didn't promise great weapons to fight the battles I felt lay before me. After all, I always felt I carried the mantle of spiritual leadership from my bishop grandfather, and that my destiny involved rising to responsibilities within the body of Christ that were weighty and solemn.

Such was the confusion of a child reared in the church without enough nurturing of deepest needs. Yes, Granny Kay's deep faith was there, expressed largely in an Anglican way, carried with deep and loving humility, the fruit that had won the heart of my grandfather after many years of friendship to his family as she served her own mother and graciously worked at her profession as a Home Economics teacher and area supervisor. I spent many hours with her in her own widowed years, reading to her from the Book of Common Prayer, and hearing her talk of sensing "Will's" presence with her in her room. We shared the bond of our faith and our love for my grandfather, who died when I was five, but who had baptized me as an infant and held me and cherished me often in my early years.

What was the confidence of which she tried to speak to me? Who else was there to help to guide me into that deep trust? Yes, she exemplified that quietness and confidence. How was I to find it in the midst of the turmoils of adolescence and young adulthood? How was I to make those words come off the page of my life, be the white light of guidance on the black pages of experience?

I found many through the years who taught me about confidence in Christ, who fostered my growth in spiritual gifts, gave me opportunities for leadership in the body of Christ, spoke prophetic words over my life and encouraged my sense of destiny. Some were noisy and some were quiet. And the spiritual climate in so much of the body encouraged a seeking after new words, new teaching to shine light in the darkness and illuminate His word in my life. But as the years wore on, like the long journey in the night with the almost blinding snow in my face, it was His quiet voice that began to speak more loudly in my heart. "You belong to Me. That is all that matters, and that is the source of your confidence. Your confidence is your trust in Me. I am faithful. You can rest secure in me."

The almost blinding snowstorms of life have knocked lots of stuffing out of me: my self confidence in my abilities, my pride in my family heritage, my record of spiritual leadership as a missionary, my academic awards, the letters after my name. All of them are rubbish in some sense, and so they should be. Granny Kay and Grandad knew that. That was why they wore their mantles of leadership and achievement well. I seek now, so many years later, to have my strength, like they did, in the quietness of the confidence of my trust in my mighty Saviour and Lord, my friendship with the creator of the universe, who tells me I belong to Him. I am His because He created me in His image, and I need nothing more to make me worthy of His love. And I need nothing more than His righteousness, His gifts, to make me able to stand in His service and His presence, in this world and the next. These are the secrets, the keys to my identity, my worth, my confidence and my trust.



WHO AM I by Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

joy that He knows better than I

This song from Joseph, Prince of Dreams, has always spoken deeply to me:



Blessed is he whose faith is not offended
When all around his way
The power of God is working out deliverance
For others day by day.

Though in some prison drear his own soul languish,
Till life itself be spent,
Yet still can trust his Father's love and purpose,
And rest therein content.

Blessed is he, who through long years of suffering,
Buf off from active toil,
Still shares by prayer and praise the work of others,
And thus 'divides the spoil'.

Blessed are you, O child of God, who sufferest
And canst not understand
The reason for thy pain, yet gladly leavest
Thy life in His blest Hand.

Yea, blessed art thou whose faith is 'not offended'
By trials unexplained,
By mysteries unsolved, past understanding,
Until the goal is gained.

Freda Hanbury Allen

joy in our Beautiful One

Here is a lovely song, one I played a lot a few years ago. It has passion and power, and since God has been doing some more beautiful things in my life, I will use it to celebrate Him for that, and for who He is.

joy that He knows my name

Another favourite - this one has quite nice photos to go with the music.

joy in my strong and perfect plea

I remember when I first heard this song. I could not believe how incredible the words were:

Before the Throne of God Above

joy in knowing what matters when it's all been said and done

Another all time favourite, bottom line song for me:

joy in trusting His faithfulness

Here is another of my favourite (worship) songs, and certainly expressing the bottom line for me:

joy in knowing God knows what He is doing

For my weekly devotional blog on www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com I just shared these words and this song "All I Can Say" by the David Crowder band:

This week I don't have the words of my own to express what God is doing and what is happening within me. I have to trust that God knows what He is doing, and that, as this song from David Crowder says, He was washing my feet when I didn't realize it. So I thank Him for what He is doing, and share this very deep song, trusting it will speak to a similarly deep place within you.

joy that He will raise us up

This is one of my all time favourite songs...not written for worship, but, in this case, used for it. It has obviously been put together with footage related to work in Africa, and that touches me deep in my heart. I do not know the work mentioned at the end that it promotes, but likely it is a worthy cause. May the song and the video bless you today.

joy that He is everlasting

Why should we worry? Here's another song by Brian Doerksen and his band reminding us of God's everlasting presence with us.

joy in singing holy truth

Something for our sabbath day....Brian Doerksen and his band...singing You are Everything...

joy in a new voice singing

I am tired of hearing my own voice in this blog. I am also exploring You Tube in a more deliberate way, looking up Christian music artists and seeing some of my favourite songs and how they are sung. I may even look at other music there too and see how I can share that as a celebration of worship, and what God has done for me, and you. I am going to share a music video each day, I think, for awhile, unless the Lord leads me otherwise. What I find is that many songs I love are not sung well, or else the video created to share the song has images which don't fit my taste. So I am going to look for ones which do both well. Here is the first one I have found, for this coming week.

joy in taking refuge in the Lord, and in humour

Strange contrast between these two, perhaps. They reflect my musings these days. Global issues swirl around us, local tragedies, mundane but important concerns, arranging snow tires, cleaning sheds, sorting the basement, getting supply teaching jobs, wondering when the snow is coming, planning lessons and making a portfolio, all these make up my days, along with making meals, cleaning up, all the usual stuff. We celebrate our current safety here in small town Ontario, our peace and refuge in Christ, and I make a plan to read the comics every day. Little signs of treasuring moments and making choices to stand apart from the pressures of life to get perspective.

Our refuge in the Lord gives us perspective, when all is busy and often unsettling. Reading the comics and laughing at stuff on the radio or in the paper (we don't watch TV) activates a part of us separate from our trials and preoccupations also. I remember how much my strong, often angry mother used humour to refresh us when she was dying of cancer. It was one of the ways my sister and I felt close to her in the last year of her life. We with her share that sense of humour. What a saving grace it can be for any of us.

I rejoice as I grow in the recognition of the depth of my faith and the rock that it is, and also in my humanity, in being able both to weep and to laugh, and to seek ways to use humour to help. There is a lovely Christian woman in my Adult education training courses who is a certified laughter coach!! She goes into seniors' residences and other places and teaches people how to laugh, even in a physical way, just to activate certain parts of their brains!! Cool idea. Reminds me of how God at times has given me the gift of holy laughter under special anointings of the Holy Spirit. He has known how much I need it.

I see, without expecting it, how I have made another link between taking refuge in the Lord, and laughter. Remember how Sarah laughed at the news of what God intended to do in her life. I will take another lesson from that, and "laugh at the days to come", like the woman of God in Proverbs. As I faithfully take care of my household and all that is entrusted to me, I will trust that God will enable me to laugh in the future, to rejoice.

joy in feedback and insights from others

I am blessed when I get comments on my blog or by email from readers. I am often surprised as to how what I say impacts others. I am grateful of course, but also realize that sometimes people pick things up in a new way, or take it in a new direction...take something particular for their situations, or have a new insight. That is stretching. It makes me examine what I said, and the intent that informed it within me, often unconscious or at least deeper than I thought.

My nephew Brian is one who reads my posts from time to time in the midst of his busy life, and he did something interesting with my blog on being a new creation. He said that every moment we can do acts which are graces from God which are new creations. That was a lovely way to work with that truth, and a testimony to God's work through our incarnated lives...that we are Christ's hands and feet and minds and hearts here in the world. That is truly awesome and also terrifying in its implications.

For me, as a writer of this blog, it makes me realize more fully that each word I say can influence a reader and that I need to be very aware of that power and very prayerful about what I say. I guess that is particularly true about what I write on the team devotional blog, and I look forward to discussing these implications when we meet as a team in a few weeks. God keeps stretching me, and for that I am grateful.

joy in developing a theme

So here we are again - Wednesday, and my post is up on www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. I learn so much from writing for that blog, not least being the privilege of our blog being nominated again for the Canadian blog awards. The blog won 2nd place last year, before I was part of it. Let's see how we do this year. I will be meeting the other writers in less than two weeks' time. We have come to love each other through our writing.

My post today reflects the theme that I have been developing. I want to do more with it, but I needed to find a way to put it on to Whatever He Says that would speak to a broad range of readers. Hope it has worked.

Here it is:

Here in the Grace of God I Stand


"It is your business to learn to be peaceful and safe in God in every situation."

I read the words in Streams in the Desert and agreed with their truth. It was freeing because it was true. And they expressed what I have been trying to live and accomplish in my own life. Somehow they resonated with my understanding that the concepts of taking responsibility for our own stuff, not dumping it on others or projecting it outside ourselves, and yet resting in God and depending on Him can all be wedded together in our understanding and experience of Christ. I didn't know how it was true but I knew it was true.

This is a truth I want to proclaim to others, to help them to pull themselves up short like I have done when I was complaining or excusing myself about why I had the right to feel miserable or ungrateful. Yet I wonder how it will be received. Will others, especially those who are gripped with depression and intolerable circumstances, experience it as freeing or imprisoning? Will it become one more truth that is piled on top of others which just serve to condemn them further in their misery and inability to rise above their circumstances?

I don't know. I'm not sure how to present them, how to express them. But I do believe that if they are true, that truth will do its work. It will speak, like the words of scripture, straight to the heart of those who need to hear it. My job is not to figure out how, but just to speak their truth, as I am led.

So then I pondered why it is possible. I left the pondering with my deeper spirit, and let it speak to me. A few days later I woke up singing that childlike song, " I am a new creation". It seemed almost too simple for the complex issues I have been facing, and that I know others face. These days of increasing adult weariness and worries seem far from my years of singing this song delightedly to children, playing my guitar, leading worship and Sunday school, making butterflies and teaching about transformation and freedom in Christ.

The words washed over me: "I am a new creation, no more in condemnation, here in the grace of God I stand. My heart is overflowing, my love just keeps on growing, here in the grace of God I stand....and so on...."

"Here in the grace of God I stand." Ah, these are words I understand now. These words I live, every day, inside and out. I stand, when I want to rest, I stand when I want to sit, to lie down, to give up. I stand and I stand and I stand. In His strength and in His grace. His grace alone.

A child's song with an adult's punch line. Seemingly light and frothy, it flies like a butterfly into my spirit and lands a solid truth. Plunk. Like Luther I stand in the face of ignorance, stupidity, and outright destruction of truth.

Heavy words to describe the daily battles, but that is what they are all about. Sometimes they are just in ourselves and the little things that happen day to day. But it takes God's grace to stand in the midst of them, with lightness in our spirits, with overflowing joy, and with a willingness to praise Him for all that He has done.

And that is the connection. Because we stand in His grace, we can be peaceful and safe in any situation. Because we are new creations in Him, we can stand, without condemnation, from ourselves or others, with lightness in our spirits, never forgetting who we are. We are always His little children, but we stand boldly, with those big adult words, "Here in the grace of God I stand."

joy in standing in God's grace

I got up very early, put on the clothes I set out last night, and prepared for a morning of teaching. There were my butterfly earrings, chosen because they match my outfit, because I am teaching little children today, and because they remind me of being a new creation. Years ago I wrote a whole master's thesis in Christian education on being a new creation in Christ and how to make that happen for others. Butterflies of course were a big part of the symbolic stuff I used for workshop plans etc. So they have always been precious to me and many Christians as a symbol of our new lives in Christ.

But for this morning I am trusting in the last line of the song, "I am a new creation". Those words are: "Here in the grace of God I stand." I claim these this morning when I am tired and a bit overwhelmed again with all that is on my plate. I stand in God's grace, and so He will supply all that I need to stay standing, metaphorically speaking, to not fall, to not falter, to not give up. That is where we all can stand.

joy in following God's finger in His friendship

"Where God's finger points, there God's hand will make the way."
"It is no small thing to be on terms of friendship with God."

These two anonymous quotes jumped out at me from Streams in the Desert again. We are following God's direction and directions, or certainly seeking to, and we are trusting God's provision when we do. We are also walking in fellowship with Him, sensing His blessing on our personal choices, His encouragement in our trials, and His delight in our individual talents and gifts, etc. etc. I shudder when I think of those who are into lockstep legalistic interpretations of God's will and work in our lives. Yes, I fear to displease Him, I am in awe of Him, but He is my friend, my beloved friend, as well as my Saviour and Lord. How else could I enjoy His company and believe that He has wonderful plans for my creativity and my particularity. He is like a wonderful parent who is excited about each new stage I go through.

How much we all need to think about this as we go forth into each new day. I woke up thinking about lines from the song " I am a new creation". I was pondering them in new ways, in a daily kind of way. I will blog about that for tomorrow I think. But the point is that God is always making things new. I must find that verse in Revelation. And so as I go into this new day, with many things on my mind, much to do, I also have so much to celebrate, not least my friendship with my all powerful, all loving God, creator of the universe. I believe as I follow His finger into this day, it is all part of following it into all my future, and seeing His hand provide for all that He is opening up. May it be so for all of us today.

joy in God's confirmation

I couldn't have got on the computer if I had tried last night, with the girls and their friends and their plans. Even though we don't like Hallowe'en, we don't want to deprive the neighbourhood kids, so we each did our duty running to the door. Jim and I were enjoying watching Amazing Grace again, that wonderful story of William Wilberforce. I was basking in the peace of my session on the phone with my dear Spiritual Director from Tyndale, with whom I chat once a month now. We could both see the fruit of prayer and growth in my life this past month. She read from a psalm as usual and I considered quoting from it this morning, but that can wait. The main thing is that we both could feel the calm and strength that have grown in me by God's grace. It is wonderful when you have the opportunity of sharing with another who hasn't connected with you for awhile. And who has ears to hear God's voice as well. That was such a blessing.

Now I am preparing for another Georgian Adult Ed training course and need to prepare for the long early morning drive. As I sit here with my dear cat Velvet basking beside me, I rejoice with all that is so good and peaceful in my life.

Earlier this week a line from Streams in the Desert jumped out at me and I knew I would be sharing it:

"It is your business to learn to be peaceful and safe in God in every situation."

What good words those are. I guess I have been trying to live that for some time now, in many ways all my life, and what I have shared has been the struggles I have had as I worked on that. But it is also good to have it confirmed in these simple and stark, but true and helpful words from another.

May God continue to speak to each of us today, in our hearts, and in the words of others, and in His word.

joy in communicating well, in growing with others

I am not preparing my posts the night before as I thought...at least not since then..so part of writing this later in the morning is that I have had some important chats with a friend and my daughter and rejoice in growth in learning from each other. That is a blessing in this time of working at home...getting more organized and giving myself some space to catch up with myself...it makes it easier to articulate things in communicating with others...that solid growth over these months continues then in new ways..

Even as I sort I am listening to a well written novel in which the characters are sensitively portrayed and realistically developed and it is not only learning for me as a writer but as a person who is training to help others more...all of this helps with my personal growth...I am grateful for God's activity in my life in these simple ways. We have so much to learn from others. I look forward to my monthly phone chat with my spiritual director from Tyndale seminary. That will happen later today. God is so good to us, working deftly to train us and help us grow.

May He bless us all today as we seek to grow in Him and to grow up into all that we can be.

joy in little details, and accepting ourselves

The wintry sun blazes at me through the window on my left as I write. This is another chosen day to not teach so I can get more of the backlog cleared in the basement. Also I found the pain in my left foot still a nuisance as I moved around the school on Tuesday. It added to the fatigue that is still so deep within my body, emotional and physical. So I accepted all that and chose to spend a few days healing in many ways and working on the more advanced stages of sorting Mum's and my stuff in the basement. It is all a legacy of running too hard for some years.

I was excited to learn this morning in an email that my niece, whom I support financially as a YWAM staff member, based in New Zealand, has been granted missionary status for her two month furlough here in Canada in the new year. I recall the complicated arrangements we had to make for our health during our stays in Canada during our missionary years. I am so glad for her. She is out in Indonesia at the moment, doing pastoral visits to all their outreach teams, in difficult countries. What a blessing to look back over the years and remember that it was on her visit to us as a family in Uganda many years ago that she recommitted her life to Christ. God is so faithful, and she has been so faithful to Him for all these years, so earnestly seeking His will.

My daughters are praying and dreaming into their futures. One is looking in great detail at university options, and visiting them with friends around her work schedule. The other is planning her "gap year", wondering now about sailing the Mediterranean following the journeys of Paul with the Bible school network that the other daughter was part of in a castle in England last year. I am so glad they, like my niece, can find godly ways to have adventures that are satisfying to their souls in many ways.

Meanwhile I think about snow tires, boxes of stuff to be sorted, getting enough sleep, arranging house repairs with my husband, taking time to settle deep within myself in the midst of preparations for my long term studies again next year.

Enough to stay and pray in the day.

joy in finding (again) the timeless in the timely

Not unexpectedly my post for today came out of my drive home with my daughter last night. It was extra important, because this is my weekly post on the team devotional blog, www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. I wondered when I was thinking ahead if such a thing would happen. And there it was, so clear, on the drive home again. It pleases me also to weave in my daughter's sensitivity as well as my own. God is good, way more than good!! I wanted something fresh and of the moment. My own life is chugging along, lots of stuff on the burners, nothing burning hotly at the moment, just keeping warm. And that is good for me in this season. But sometimes blog posts are best when they are hot!! Here it is, but you can see it best in context on the blog itself.


Cast me gently into morning

Another long drive home up the highway from Irish dancing lessons together. One of my deep hearted daughters sits beside me as I navigate the darkness in the high winds of the approaching storm. She turns up the volume on her Sarah McLachlan CD and says "Mum, listen to this. It was a special song for me in Uganda last summer. It's not a Christian song but for me it was like God's voice speaking to me, and me speaking back to Him."

Answer

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind

Sarah McLachlan

My daughter shares how this song spoke to her in her darkest moment where she felt without hope, despite her relationship with the Lord. The song gave her hope, words to cling to, and helped her come into a morning of new trust in God's direction for her life. She is still on that journey, growing closer to God through the darkness she has known, understanding her own depths more clearly, and in them finding that there is no darkness too dark for Him.

Her experience of course highlights mine. I remember my struggles at her age, and reflect on how I walked away from trusting God for a time when I came into dark places, and chose lesser lights to lead me on, and then through going further into my darkness found His light again. I was so grateful that my daughter had used her pain to lead her deeper into God's love, had had the courage to embrace her darkness and let God be the one to cast her "gently into morning."

I reflect how just that morning I found several notes in a journal I created for my father over 25 years ago. It surfaced in my sorting of my mother's papers. Of course the passages I had copied out especially for him had come from my own treasured notes from years before that.

I had written, "My night allows the light to enter.' I don't know where I quoted it from. I only knew it was true.

Another note was a quotation Dad had been the first to give to me in earlier years, quoting it from the radio speech King George V had given in World War II. It was one of those treasures from my reticent shy father that told me he was a man of deep faith underneath all the reserve.

I said to the man who stood
at the gate of the year -

"Give me a light that I may tread
safely into the unknown."
And he replied
"Go out into the darkness
and put your hand
into the hand of God.
That shall be to you
better than light and
safer than a known way."

M.L. Haskins

My father's voice, my daughter's voice, my voice, the voices of secular singers, other writers, kings...whatever the medium, God speaks. God refreshes lights as He allows more darkness. He layers the metaphors...my daughter shares about inner darkness as we drive on the winding dark road home. A CD player, an old black notebook, handwritten notes from a loving daughter, me, to my father, heartfelt sharing from my loving daughter to me, her mother. So the circle goes, so the journey goes, ever onward, and upward, out of the darkness, through the darkness, gently into morning. Our heavenly Father leads us gently, faithfully, weaving threads like golden braids through the years, through the generations, through songs, poems, sayings, radio broadcasts, through others' words. The timeless and the timely, always together.

joy in trusting God's control

I have to set off to a town almost an hour away. It is a cold morning and I am helping my daughter with an assignment before I leave. It feels like the days are beginning when I will need to write my blogs at night to be posted in the morning, so that I feel composed when I write. I am trusting the Lord this morning, and grateful for my work, but time is running out, so I will begin that new routine tonight. How I feel this morning is not a reflection of my true feeling, but my energy is directed into my day ahead, so I will bless you all for now, and know we are all in His loving care, and write what I had intended to write tonight to be posted tomorrow. As the Scots say, "Cheerio!"

joy in an attitude of gratitude

I am grateful to be back safely from lots of driving up and down the corridor to Toronto. I am glad that I found a way to deal with Toronto that avoids the worst part of the 400 and the 401, by using Highway 27. When my sister and I went with the friend we were encouraging to take some of her stuff to the back door of the secondhand store, all three of us were impressed with the attitude of the young man who helped us. My friend had talked with him before and commented on his wonderful positive attitude. He immediately spoke of how he had learned that from his mother, a woman of great faith. And he also spoke of the fact that even though he hadn't adopted her Christian faith himself he honoured it because of what he had seen her do with her life, and how she had coped with everything in her life with an attitude of gratitude.

This is nothing new to any of us. But to be reminded of it in such a way was priceless. All three of us find the challenges in our lives almost knock us to the ground at times, and yet we too know this secret. We can admit that we don't practice it enough outwardly or openly, so that others know how much we feel that way. And we agreed that we need to practise it more inwardly than we already do. So, out of the mouth of this young man we heard as much as in a sermon.

This morning I woke up reviewing the many challenges in my life and the many hurdles ahead of me, and reminded myself that I like challenges, that in some sense I thrive on them, even if they can exhaust and overwhelm me at times. So I resolved that my tasks these days are to organize myself better so that I can continue to meet the challenges I want to meet, and I have to meet. And I believe that through God's grace and in Christ I will be able to do what I need to do, and that He will lead me through the challenges I have no choice about, and to the challenges that are best for me to set my sights on for the long term future, and continuing in those I have already chosen that are right for me but will take a lot of ongoing work and courage. I trust Him, and I am so grateful for the opportunities to grow in that trust, and in an attitude of gratitude.

joy in knowing He will keep us

" To Him who is able to keep (us) from falling and to present (us) before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy - to the only God our Saviour be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! " Amen.

If I were to write nothing else on my blog, this should be it. What more is there to say? Life is challenging, but God will keep us, if we have given our lives to Him.

I am off to my wonderful next Adult education training course in Barrie today. How good to look forward to something knowing it will be well done, challenging, and full of benefits, yet not too overwhelming with all that is already on my plate. Then my sister and I meet and go on to Toronto to see a friend and encourage her. I would be happy to stay home today by the fire and rake the leaves and get some more rest...ahh that would be nice. But I will have strength for the day, and peace, and trust for His keeping power, and His protection.

I am learning more and more to "stay in the day", and trust for tomorrow. Then I can find my joy in the moments, along the way, savouring all that He does as He keeps me, safe in His loving care.

joy in having the Christian choice

My daughter and I watched The Hours last night, based on the life and work of Virginia Woolf. As writers, students and teachers of literature, and creative people we responded to the acting and presentation of the film and story but were appalled by much of what happened. There was a romanticization of immoral choices as well as a stark dramatization of the harsh experiences of life and relationships. I admired and appreciated the acting and the sensitive portrayal of the characters and their settings. But I could only feel as a Christian that this was another example of the hopelessness of life without Christ, and the amazing possibilities that would have been available for the characters in Christ. Whatever the existential struggles I have known and still do, my fundamental worldview is a Christian one, and I know who I am in Him, and the security of my hope. I am so grateful, and am renewed in my commitment to help others to know Him and to grow in Him.

joy in knowing God's strength is enough

I am getting ready for another day of supply teaching. The crush of various responsibilities hits me at once in the midst of family, deadlines, and all that I leave behind undone as I go out to do work that I am grateful for. And I don't know what kind of day awaits me. As I grow in my capacity to handle my new supply situations with less anxiety, I can enjoy my days more, and have more trust for the future. Of course it certainly helps that my husband is getting the medical preventative attention that he needs and that nothing drastic is happening at the moment.

So much of our lives are like this. We each balance our own combination of pressures and pleasures, and trust for God's sufficiency and strength. That is all we can ever do. And certainly the increased crush reminds us of our dependence upon Him. And yet we are always so.

"All of you is more than enough for all of me....For every thirst and every need..." So the words go. They were ringing in my ears as I got up this morning. Let's share them together on video from You tube. May we count on His "supply" today!

joy in remembering we are preparing for destiny

Just checked the devotional team blog I write for on Wednesdays, http://www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com/. Yep, there is my post, written last night, and scheduled to appear at 7 a.m. on that blog. It's exciting what this technology can do. I don't enjoy or understand technology except in the limited way I learn to use it to assist what I want to do. So, thanks to our wonderful blog editor, Belinda, I am learning a little more, and being part of a wonderful team of bloggers. We call ourselves the blog princesses. We shall be meeting face to face in November. For me that involvement, as this blog, is a little piece of the destiny God has called me in to. I didn't know where each step would lead, but I sensed His leading when I began. And it was part of the fight I was engaged in to move on from where I was, and to work with and against my difficulties in order to become stronger and more effective. These principles were all described in the devotional we heard on Saturday morning at the worship conference I attended. It was such an important word that I used it for my devotional for today on Whatever He Says because I want others to hear it for themselves. We must prepare for our destiny by fighting against the three D's. Please read all about it below, or by going to the blog itself at the address link above. Thanks to all of you for assisting me in reaching my destiny, and joining with me in our battles.

Preparing for Destiny

"Now we must fight". Fighting words for a morning devotional speaker at a worship conference. But there she was, obedient and petite, small but mighty, giving forth the word the Lord gave her in much prayer before she came up from the U.S. to bless the many hundreds of worship leaders who gathered in Cambridge this past weekend for the Unite in Worship conference. Tricia Rhodes, recent author of Sacred Chaos, had a word for all who are being beleaguered by the three D's: Discouragement, Defeat, and Despair.

Using I Samuel 17, the David and Goliath story, as her basis, Tricia powerfully spoke into the tired hearts of many who are struggling to maintain vision and remain hopeful in the midst of too many difficulties. Tricia sees the three D's as an onslaught on the western church, a systematic undermining of Christians of all levels. Sharing from her own journey, she described her loss of dreams, her setting aside of the many promises and prophetic words that had been spoken over her life, and her deep pain over her son's abandonment of his childhood faith.

Tricia urged us to respond to the three D's by fighting, as David fought Goliath. We are not to be intimidated by the size of the enemy, his taunts or his weapons.

She gave three reasons to fight:

first, because God's worth demands it, secondly because our need requires it, and thirdly because our destiny dictates it.

The honour of God's name is at stake. We must fight, even if we don't win, in order to honour God. If we don't fight we will be defeated before we know it. We must fight because if we don't we will not obtain what we need to do what we are called to do. And our destiny demands our fight because that is what will take us on to the new level of effectiveness and intimacy that is His constant desire for us.

The battles of today are the victories of tomorrow. They are the preparation for our destiny.

And it is our intimacy with God which will fuel our fight. That is where we will find our courage, our energy, our strength. He will be the source of our joy to keep us fighting.

Our weapons, of course, are prayer, and His word. And prayer is not some complicated deafening rush and hyped up meeting type of onslaught. It is simply an embracing of our need, an acknowledgement that we can't do it on our own. It is just a leaning on the Lord. And it is His word that gives us what we need to learn to trust the God who gave it to us. When we know Him through scripture, then we know what He can do, and wants to do, for and with us.

That was the message for the conference. But it is really a message for all of us, every day, every hour, every moment. We must fight. It is the preparation for our destiny. And it is the only way. The alternative is unthinkable.

joy in sharing with family

This morning we have snow in the air and on the ground. Our cat was taken aback when the door was opened for her to have her morning airing and she saw a white wet blanket for her paws. No go for her. But I was happy to put my boots on to go out, and to laugh about the lawn chairs that still have to be put away. We all agreed it is beginning to feel like Christmas. And I am going to have my sorting load lightened by sharing it with Sarah who is at home a lot with fewer shifts for work. The days when I am not teaching I can get into that more. My sister and I went through more of Mum's papers and photos last night and it is so much easier to share these heavy things. And it is wonderful to have family who understand implicitly and have their own interest. These are precious gifts from God. Today I am so grateful for a cozy day with the snow outside to make it easier to work in the basement sorting with Sarah. Enough for the day, and to live in the moment in the task in the relationship, knowing it is all part of God's care and goodness.

joy in turning to each thing

I had never thought of the passage in Ecclesiastes 3 in terms of boundaries. But today I did. As I mused upon what to write about, I realized that my experience in this moment in this day and this week is one, as it is so many moments, days and weeks, of turning to the next thing that needs to be done. The capacity to do that is God given for each of us, and the peace to set aside what we have been doing and move to something else and then revisit the other things is a requirement of coping with life.

I have done a lot of thinking about boundaries lately, and I realize that there are boundaries around all these things. And as always with boundaries, they are there to keep things in, and keep things out. And that is what we need in so many ways with situations, relationships and tasks. If we have elephants to eat, we need to take them one bite at a time, and likely in small doses, with lots of other types of tasks in between.

I am grateful that today I can turn to other things. I have much to process from the worship conference, much going on with many relationships and responsibilities. I am glad that some other tasks which are important or urgent have come forward to be tended to. Focusing on them helps me to step back from the intensity of other things.

There are many aspects of the Time for Everything passage in Ecclesiastes. I am just musing on one, but I find it a helpful focus as I set about my day. May it be helpful to you too.

joy in being part of powerful worship

I am at the worship conference.  It is a great joy and blessing, even though I am on my own and having to drive around a strange city and find various venues with maps and God's guidance.  World reknowned songwriters and worship leaders are giving workshops and there are many hundreds of dedicated people in attendance.  Last night it was a great joy to hear Robin Mark and his band lead us in some of his popular and anointed songs.  I sat with longtime friends, husband and wife, who are pastors in a nearby town.  I haven' t seen them for about six years.  

So there is much to take in, and much to use in future days.  I don't have time to write about it now, but I am sure it will make a big difference to my approach to creative ministry, giving me language and confidence for the future.  It is wonderful to be part of this movement in this generation, and to know that God is calling me to continue further in this area of ministry.

I look forward to another day of workshops and worship, and trust that the Lord will continue to watch over my driving.  My leg is sore and my foot is bruised, but I am walking okay for the most part.  God is faithful and will continue to be, as I am faithful to Him and His calling.

joy in not driving with my left foot

Last evening before supper I must have thought I didn't have enough stress in my life so I accelerated instead of braked as I brought the van into the carport. The woodpile absorbed the shock of the impact of the crash which shook the house. Everyone came running to see what happened. The van seems basically fine and will get checked out on Monday. I came off with a very sore left foot, mostly in the instep. I will hobble around today at the Unite in Worship conference which I had arranged to attend from August. I get to hear famous worship leaders and attend electives in various things to help me be a better worship leader. Tonight I will also see a dear friend in that area who is attending the concert given by Robin Mark. God is good. I will still get there.

My sister is staying at our place for her own reasons and she will be available to my husband when my daughters go to Toronto by bus tomorrow to join me there in the evening for other engagements for them on Sunday. God took care of us in the crash and is taking care of Jim. The doctor says he didn't have a real mini stroke in that it didn't show in the brain scan, but he is being put on preventative treatments and will see a specialist next week finally.

So except for my sore foot I am feeling excited about the conference and relieved about Jim and so grateful to my Heavenly father and His host of angels who took care of me last night. Mind you my foot is sore and I am sure glad that it is my right foot I use in driving. I will be driving my own smaller car so I trust my right foot will perform better than it did last night!!!!

I like this poem and agree with it....so despite all the worries I mused about lately, I am rejoicing today:

Overheard in an Orchard

Said the Robin to the Sparrow
"I should really like to know
Why these anxious human beings
Rush about and worry so."

Said the Sparrow to the Robin
"Friend, I think that it must be
That they have no Heavenly Father
Such as cares for you and me."

Elizabeth Cheney

Blessings and protection for you too today!!

joy in knowing He can do miracles

"Difficulty is the very atmosphere of miracle - it is a miracle in its first stage. If it is to be a great miracle, the condition is not difficulty but impossibility.
The clinging hand of His child makes a desperate situation a delight to Him."

quoted from Streams in the Desert, Oct. 14th

These words ring with biblical truth, and God's truth. What else can we believe when we have faith in Him? For anyone reading my recent posts, you can see the mixture of the honesty of my human struggles, in their depths, and the reality of my faith in God's power. These are the two counterpoints of my life, and, I would imagine, of yours. Whatever the level of consciousness or expression of these realities, they are there for each one of us who seeks to live in communion and faithfulness with our Heavenly Father, friend and saviour, and who chooses to work out all our struggles in His way, His timing, and His power.

As well as expressing these thoughts this morning, my waking thoughts were of the joy of seeing His work in so many ways in my life and the lives of others. One example for me is the miracle of writing this blog and being part of the devotional team blog www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. Both of them have brought me some amazing experiences. To know that others read my blog regularly and receive nurture and encouragement from it is so wonderful. I don't want to write just to express myself or imagine that others might read what I say. I want to write what is going to make a difference for others too.

Sharing my own experiences only makes sense humanly and spiritually if that sharing is a blessing to others. And in God's economy that is what can happen. My weakness becomes His strength. It is another form of Him using difficulty as the first stage of a miracle. God is a god of contrasts, of counterpoint, of turning things around.

I guess I could go on and on about that, and I expect I will, in one way or another, as the days go by. For those of you who read my blog, I thank you for sharing my journey, and for letting me know that you do. Thank you for telling me from time to time that something I have said or quoted has made a difference for you. I pray that today will be a day where in every difficulty you will sense God's presence and believe for His miracles, as I will.

joy in having the courage to be

I wrote my weekly post for the devotional blog, www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com, in the middle of the night. I was so full of thoughts about supply teaching again today, for the first time in two weeks, and relaxing a little after Irish dancing last night with my daughter, that I forgot all about writing my blog. I didn't even know what I was going to write about. But that was good. Because I had to search my heart and ask myself what was really worth saying for that special opportunity I have been given once a week. Like all my blog posts, I didn't know fully what I was going to say until I saw it on the page. And that is such an exciting process for me. What a privilege, and what an opportunity for personal growth. So here it is:

The Courage to Be


What does it take to stay alive? I remember lying awake at nights in Uganda, listening to gunfire across the valley, knowing it was the night watchman at the water plant firing at potential intruders. After our armed robbery I never slept well. Unlike the water plant, we did not have an armed guard. We just had a "watchman" who was really a gardener whose living quarters were near the gate so that he could respond if there was a problem. Our intruders found their way around him when they entered our compound early one evening, in the darkness that had fallen like a curtain at 6:30 p.m. That night we joined the ranks of many foreigners in the country who were mistakenly assumed to have lots of money. We were saved by the fact that we did have quite a bit of cash ready to pay our project workers the next day, by the bark of our dog, and likely by my husband's cool head, our own prayers, and the sheer need of guilty parties to escape before they would lose what they gained by their clever robbery.

That was not the only time we escaped with our lives. When we lost ten times that amount of money to a trusted Christian employee who betrayed us when we were back in Canada for a much needed break, we were considered fortunate to leave the country finally with our lives and our most treasured possessions, mostly books. He did not take being fired in a Christian spirit, and launched a hate campaign against us, fuelling more opposition to our work and presence. We felt it was time to leave. The safety of our children was at stake, and the joy in our work.

Yes, those events were Satan's work. How else could we see them? Satan is a liar and a thief. Yet he is often God's unpaid servant. A few years later we were glad that these forces had brought us back to our own country. God had other things to do in our lives.

Here in Canada, I don't lie awake at night listening to gunfire in our peaceful town. I don't worry that at any moment we might have another armed robbery, or that someone we have trusted will rob and cheat us. Yet I have likely had more difficult moments here being anxious about the future and the present than I ever had in my five years of missionary life "on the field".

I am not one to see a demon in every doorpost, or to interpret a lot of life's events as the work of the devil. I work hard on my "stuff", taking responsibility for the way I come across and seeking to grow in new and creative ways, as a Christian and as a human being. I urge others to do the same, and not to blame the devil for what is really the result of their own immaturity or bad boundaries, or their addictive patterns of behaviour.

Yet I, and many I care about, often struggle just to have the courage to be, to stay alive, to continue forging ahead with the many difficulties, outer and inner, that plague us. I rejoice to say that I am not depressed, and find many moments of joy in my life, much to celebrate. I work hard to help others find reasons to believe God's promises for their lives - that they have a hope and a future. And I weep inwardly at the discouragement that Satan will bring to all of us, His capacity to rob and cheat us out of every blessing God intends, and to make us despair of the worth of living life.

We don't have to be on the brink of madness like Hamlet to say to ourselves: "To be or not to be, that is the question." We don't have to be famous like Dag Hammarsjold to write in our private diaries that the main issue in life is not to have run away.

What is the saying? "Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to"? Is that how it goes? Well, you know what I mean. I thought I was really learning about faith and courage when I was a missionary in Uganda, went through an armed robbery, and then all the rest. But I have faced more existential questions about the courage of just living life since I have returned.

And for me, in the end it all comes back to God. He is my source, my supply, my capacity to stay alive. We got a lot of attention for a while when we told our story of the armed robbery or the betrayal of our Christian employee. But our private struggles back here in small town Ontario are not the stuff of missionary newsletters.

I wonder how the 4 million who have been butchered to death in Congo went through their struggles. How many of them will I see in Heaven? What are our struggles compared with the persecution of Christians all over the world? These are important questions. I am glad I can think about them, and not take peace and whatever prosperity we have for granted. Yes, I guess I am glad that it takes a lot of courage just to be, at times.

Of course God has blessings in store for us, in this life, but they are often not what we would expect. Often they are treasures of darkness, riches stored deep in the centre of the most difficult moments we know. And that centre is only truly the centre, like the true centre when you are throwing a pot on a wheel, when it is God. What else makes life worth living? Who else is there, in our darkest moments? Either we know Him in His presence in our lives, or we don't. And when we do, then He can be all that we need. He can give us the courage to be, and the courage to live out all that is before us.

And until we come to that place where He, and faith in Him, are all that we are truly holding on to, then I don't think we really know what it means to live.