joy in following through on the plan, with trust

Well. the garage sale is ready to begin. Any moment the cars may start coming. It is 7 a.m., the time when the local antique hunters usually come. None of those from me today. I got cheated last time. But this was far easier to prepare for because I had my plan and I stuck to it. Even this morning I was able to "do it" because the intention and the plan were in place, bigger than any tiredness I felt. And that is so true with all of us. When we know what we are supposed to do, and when we know it is the right and best thing, and we have begun to walk the road, to do the stuff, to follow the plan, then trusting in Him will help us to keep walking and to keep doing the stuff and to keep following the plan, and on the way we will have joy because we are following through on what we intended to do, and because we made a plan in consultation with Him. Short and sweet today. Gotta get out there!

joy in facing challenges, in His strength, and LOVE

I woke up today groaning inwardly about the prospect of setting up for a much needed garage sale tomorrow, getting rid of things before my girls return, oh so happily, and oh so welcomed, from Uganda on Tuesday. I rehearsed all the negatives and worked hard to turn them into positives. I reminded myself of the "joy of stress", as if every day isn't filled with it, and of the value of facing my fears. I recited to myself the teased-out slogans from the acronym for F.E.A.R. - "F... Everything And Run", "False Evidence Appearing Real", and "Face Everything and Recover". I chose the last one as my motto, as I have been choosing all the time I have been working on the stuff that has to be cleared and organized, not to mention all my other fears. I looked forward to the joy that is set before me when it is done, and I thought through the methodical stages I will take so that the task will not be too much for me. I used it as a reminder of the benefits that come whenever we face our fears and move ahead, which I am learning to do in so many areas of my life. Finally I recalled Paul's words of truth from Philippians 4: 13: "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

With those words ringing in my ears, I mused again on the amount of fear that has often dominated my life, and the amount of courage others have commented on seeing in me. I have often said to a counselor that I was amazed that I had so much fear, considering what a courageous person I am. In fact, another mentor once saw the word COURAGE in "big letters over my head", in her words. The first counselor said the courage was the response to the fear. So the presence of the courage is also a testament to the reality of the fear. It's great to have the courage, and I will continue to rely upon it, along with God's strength, of course, but what I keep working on is the sources of the fear, which are really based in lack of trust in the love of God. "There is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." I John 4: 18.

So today, not only will I rely upon God's strength, but remember to bask in His love, His approval, that I am His, that He is mine, and that together we are doing this task, today, and that in His eyes it is all part of my journey of moving forward and facing the challenges of my life, step by step, and moving out of fear, into joy in all things.

joy in turning negatives into positives

Yesterday's post about making ax heads float yielded some positive comments, and , in themselves, like so much of my experience on this blog, is a very positive experience coming out of sharing negatives. There is much healing for me in writing about things, then more healing in getting feedback on how what I have shared has helped others. Let alone all the healing that has already come in my life that I also share about, and the healing of knowing even as I write that God is working in and through all that I do and say to bring further healing. This reminds me of my massage therapist's comment on exercise yesterday. "The body is made for movement", she said. So of course exercise will help so much more when we have aches and pains, yet it is often what we avoid. Reflecting, writing and sharing are forms of mental, emotional and spiritual exercise. I am so grateful for them, and that this is something that I enjoy doing, and find easy to do. Another way that I am working on turning negatives into positives is going over, with the help at times of people at the Employment Resource Centre, my various job experiences and doing the find and name the transferable skill thing. That process is complicated but revealing and helpful. I am also amazed to discover how much experience and expertise I have, and am almost overwhelmed by the enthusiasm of the helpers there. I am the one holding back from pushing ahead too quickly into looking for other forms of work because I want to feel solid and steady on my "feet", in balance and really knowledgeable about myself. For me that can mean many things, but a big part of what it means is that I know deep within myself that I have to have worked through my negatives and really found my success stories and worked with myself so that I can describe my experience without too much self putdown, and at the same time be realistic about what are good fits for me. While these processes are taxing and exacting they are also freeing and empowering, like exercise. They can get the equivalent of endomorphins going that are released with physical exercise. To push into doing them is like the push against bad patterns with physical things - lack of exercise, routine, bad habits. The inertia built up with these can put up such a block that we can believe we can never face them, or change. Like facing the junk in our basements and secret places in our homes, and in our lives. If we remember that there is energy released in facing these monsters, and then encourage ourselves with small signs of progress, and surround ourselves with people who will continue to encourage us on these journeys, then we will have more joy in our experience of turning negatives into positives, and in the process turn even more negatives into positives, and so on we go, as God leads and heals and restores, open doors and sends His beams of light and His breath of life into our whole beings and lives. Having a single eye (which I blogged about a few days ago) is about moving toward our whole beings being full of light. Turning negatives into positives is about bringing light into our own darkness. So let us gain or regain our singleness of vision and apply it to ourselves and all that needs healing within, not just think of it in terms of what is "out there" or some great mighty spiritual quest that God would put us on for His kingdom!!!His quest is to make us whole, and full of light and life, so that we are effective in His kingdom, which is also within us. As we become whole, we bring wholeness to others, and so His kingdom spreads. I believe He wants us to have joy now, with each negative that gets turned, each piece of junk that gets sorted, each treasure and talent, (ax-head) that gets restored...and so we, like the angels in heaven rejoicing over the newly rescued sinners, can rejoice over ourselves in the newly rescued and restored parts of our beings.

joy in the restoration of lost or buried talents

Today is my day to post a blog on the team devotional blog, http://www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com/. By the way, our blog has just been given an "Awesome Site" award!! So here's my blog for this week, short and sweet.

Making ax-heads float

2 Kings 6: 1-7 tells the story of Elisha the prophet’s miraculous rescue of an ax-head that was accidentally dropped in the water. Elisha threw a light stick on the water, and the ax-head floated to the surface. I recently read a 2007 article called “Summer Sabbath” in Faith Today in which the author connected the lost ax-head, which was borrowed, with Jesus’ parable of the talents. He said that our talents, which are gifts, and are therefore like borrowed things, borrowed from God, presumably, can be restored to us by those who can make heavy things buoyant. He recommended that we surround ourselves with those who, by their closeness to God and their compassion for us, can make this kind of restoration possible in our lives. This is in the context of us losing our ax-heads either by under using or over using them.

This analogy of course spoke deeply to my spirit because it connected with the work of restoration that God is doing for me. So much has been heavy and sunk to the bottom of my life. To pick up talents that have been long buried or never activated has seemed almost impossible, through many negative stories I have lived out over the years. Well meaning people in ministry to whom I went to for help and guidance often buried my talents deeper, felt they should be put away because God had something else for me to do, or retrieved them on condition that they would steward and use them in their own visions rather than allowing me to discover the ways in which God wanted to use them in my life. When I finally was led to those who could truly enable the process of restoration in a deep and lasting way, I discovered many lost ax-heads. Like the unknown man in the story, I cried out for help to rescue the drowned talents.

This capacity to make heavy things buoyant is something we all have, especially in Christ. In simple or in complex processes we can all become engaged, through prayer, through loving words, through insight or wise counsel, in restoring others to their full potential, in Christ, and in their humanity. As Saint Irenaus said, “The glory of God is man fully alive”. We each need to have such people there for ourselves, and to be such people for others.

joy in seeking a "single eye"

This past week has been one of greater struggle within myself, with greater sorrow and gloom, but also with greater fruit. When I quoted the hymn last Sunday I pondered the words " When through the deep waters I call thee to go". Was God calling me into ever more difficult inner battles? Little did I know. And yet I was seeking to "lighten up". How would the two fit together? Well, yesterday morning, in a brief sleep after a restless night, during which time I wrote my previous post, I had a dream. In the dream I looked in a mirror and saw my face with only one eye in the middle of my forehead. In the dream I freaked out at first, and cried out "God, heal me!" I felt him say that it was okay, that the reflection in the mirror was a good thing. Either He was saying that I had developed a "single eye" or that He wanted me to. The fact that I was gazing into a mirror could mean a number of things, but one meaning could be that the mirror of my circumstances was showing me that I now have singleness of vision about myself or about situations. I have begun to unpack these meanings. What's scary too is that there can be multiple layers of meaning in that single eye, and if you google about it, as I did, there will come up lots of stuff about intuition, mystical vision, occult related meanings, etc. And as I am a very intuitive person, there may be some levels of truth in all that in the dream about me. God may be saying that my intuition is revealing things to me and that is good, and that He wants that to continue. But my main concern is that I see with His vision, His eye, and scripture has lots to say about that. The sermon on the mount was very plainly about needing to have a "single eye" in order to live rightly and appropriately with God's mind and heart in the world. I think, by way of contrast, God is also saying to me that many of my struggles have come from a sort of double vision of reality. I can heartily agree. Of course I have to ask, and ask Him, which version of reality do I choose when I choose to see things singly? And of course the answer for me as a Christian is to see His version. Then of course I have to ask what is His version? And it could be that His version is also connected to my intuition!! So I could go on and on, and I don't have time to do that today. But I have caught a thread that is leading me to the centre of the maze within my struggles and out again. God's guidance on my journey is making me less afraid, and more able to lighten up, but with HIS light. I can lighten up, even in the midst of heavy circumstances, because I choose to have HIS light as the source of my "eye" the "lamp" of my body, the ground of my intuition. I look forward to learning more from Him and His word in scripture, and His word within my being, in the days to come. Truly this fiery trial has born fruit, has cleansed more darkness from my being, has brought more of His light into my being. This is cause for joy.

joy in not being consumed

Yesterday's lectionary readings at church included the story of Moses' encounter with the burning bush. The sermon focused on how, with God's presence, we can survive intensity of experience and not be consumed, whether it be intense joy or intense suffering. As I listened in the morning, and went through the day, and then the night, I could attest to the sweetness of God's presence in the midst of my pain. In fact, I was even rejoicing, as I did in my blog post yesterday, at how all that I have been through with His grace has enabled me to function so well in so many situations, despite what is going on in the moment. I think that is some of what I meant when I said I had come out of the basement. But today in the very early hours of the morning, having had no sleep, I have to say that the intensity of my emotional pain again is of the level that would be unbearable without God's presence in it. It is indeed like an ever burning bush but it doesn't consume me. It reminds me of the intense joy I have felt about the same situation in past moments. That joy was so intense as to be almost unbearable. I am grateful that I had a lovely time of worship when I was helping to lead worship yesterday evening. I felt such a sweet closeness with the Lord in those moments, as I did in communion time in the morning service. I remember a book I read many years ago in Scotland, called My Path of Prayer. I have never forgotten Richard Wurmbrand's story in it of his confinement in an underground prison, and of his intense sense of God's presence with him there. It was so intense that when he was released, he missed the intensity of God's close presence. I have written about being in the basement, about finding treasures in the darkness, which have been God's promises to me. Now I have found the burning bush in a new way. Now it is more than the sign of God's call, or His holiness. Now it is a reminder of His ever present promise to us all that when we walk through the waters He will be with us, and when the flames are all around us we will not be consumed. Now it seems that the flames are within me, but, like Daniel, my spirit can walk in the midst of my own inner burning, my own excruciating pain, and not be consumed. If anything is a sign to me of God's presence within me by His Holy Spirit, this is. For I know I can somehow find rest, peace and sleep, in the midst of this pain. And trust for tomorrow, for I am not consumed.

joy in coming out of the basement

A friend recently had an apt comment from another friend. She explained how she is going to house sit for the winter instead of staying on in a basement apartment. The friend said "It's about time you got out of the basement. You've spent most of your life there. ". It was so true. The first friend has spent so many years in turmoil and self-abasement, and now she is beginning to blossom. I could identify. My journey has been a bit more up and down, but still with lots of time in the basement. And in this season that I have been sharing with my readers and friends, I have become very familiar with the basement of my heart. These days when I am finally getting some long left sorting done in the basement I think a lot about such images. While my journey has been a necessary one, to bring greater order and understanding to my life, as well as to my physical basement, it has been messy and heavy and difficult, and often hard to face. Just as I have had to take God with me into the physical basement with praise music or prayer, He has been my constant companion, sometimes unacknowledged, on this inner basement journey. I am making our physical basement a beautiful place, with a room for all to enjoy for recreation, and a studio for my girls and I to share for art, sewing, writing, pottery, adjoining my husband's workshop, and looking out on the garden. My own inner basement is more ordered and much less frightening. And I find too that I enjoy coming out of it more too. I can more easily let go of the preoccupations with inner struggles, and join once again with the concerns of others about many things. Not that I couldn't before. In fact I spent so much time doing that for so many years that I needed to tend my basement, look at my own struggles, because I was neglecting many inner needs. Because I have been able to tend and sort my own heart, without judgment and with God's vision and love, then I can more easily embrace the struggle of others. Last night we watched Shake Hands with the Devil, the story of Romeo D'Allaire's struggle to deal with the catastrophe in Rwanda in 1994. We have a lot of connections with East Africa, so it is familiar territory to me, and our own traumas in Uganda make me feel their traumas even more. And there have been times lately when I didn't want to see that sort of film because of the traumatic memories it would awaken in me. But last night I embraced this story again, and particularly liked the way the film allowed us to understand D'Allaire's reaction to the trauma, the aftermath for him that drove him to the brink, the help he received through therapy, etc. I particularly appreciated hearing the lightness in his voice in the commentary on the film. He was free, and I could hear it in his voice. He had come out of the basement. I am enjoying that freedom more and more, so that I can go back and forth into my basement as I need to, and even enjoy it, without fear and without struggle.