joy in facing more spiritual challenges

God sure must have great things in store for me because He keeps blessing me with more and more emotional hardship. The stronger I become, the more challenges I face, within myself and in relationships. It just never seems to end. And when sickness comes along with all its lessons, the challenges grow ever greater. If I did not love and trust my Saviour so, I would give up, and throw in the towel, and say it is not worth going through all this pain, again and again. But I trust my Lord is faithful, and He knows what He is doing, and He is trying to teach me "how to bear the beams of love" with greater humility, awareness, and grace. His grace. These are the main lessons for this past week, written for my regular Saturday blog post for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com.

Daily Bread for the Three D's

We can only cruise so long before the crash comes, if we don't take care of ourselves. It's usually my mother heart that does that to me, and as we have seen in my last two blog posts, God has blessed me in my journeys on behalf of my daughter's goals. But still my body has had the bigger say over my heart. I have a cold I can't shake easily and it is so frustrating. Whatever is bothering me bothers me even more, whatever is hard is extra hard, and so I could go on. It is easy to go into the darkness when you are sick, and frustrated. The three D's come up trumps if I don't defeat them: Doubt, Discouragement and Despair.

As I have listened to my heart this week and observed my moods closely, I have realized with horror how easily I could give up on my dreams and God's promises. I am grateful for these words that jumped off the page from Streams in the Desert on April 30th, in the midst of my darkness:

And the ill-favoured and lean-fleshed kine did eat up the seven well favored and fat kine...and the seven thin ears devoured the seven rank and full ears. (Gen.: 41: 4,7)

I was amazed and arrested at the following interpretation of this passage:

There is a warning for us in that dream, just as it stands: It is possible for the best years of our life, the best experiences, the best victories won, the best service rendered, to be swallowed up by times of failure, defeat, dishonor, uselessness in the kingdom. Some men's lives of rare promise and rare achievement have ended so. It is awful to think of, but it is true. Yet it is never necessary.

S.D. Gordon has said that the only assurance of safety against this tragedy is "fresh touch with God", daily, hourly. The blessed, fruitful, victorious experiences of yesterday are not only of no value to me today, but they will actually be eaten up or reversed by today's failures, unless they serve as incentives to still better, richer experiences today.

"Fresh touch with God," by abiding in Christ, alone will keep the lean kine and the ill-favored grain out of my life.

From Messages for the Morning Watch

joy in finding God's faithfulness again

This is my post for today on www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. It continues the story from last week, of my visit to Missionfest Toronto and what God did for me there. It is a lovely story, another example of His continuing faithfulness to me in my life, whatever my struggles and wonderings.

More Than Enough For Me

Commit thy way unto the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.
Psalm 37:5

He who promised is faithful.
Hebrew 10:23b

Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?
Numbers 23:19b

Some of you who read my post last Saturday will remember that I went to Missionfest Toronto, primarily to make it possible for my daughter and her friend to hear an inspiring speaker. I wondered what God might have for me, the ex-missionary, the Life Coach/Counsellor-in-training, and how I would react again to the big splash of Missionfest this time, in the context of my experience of it over many years since its beginnings out west, which I shared in with my husband in our earlier life as missionaries.

Well, I still struggled with the feeling of Missionfest being like just another big trade fair in a huge facility on the outskirts of Toronto. I didn't like the darkened auditorium in the middle of the day to hear a worship band that was way louder than necessary, and I was concerned at the fervency that didn't seem to be there anymore in the atmosphere. I missed the excitement and hubbub of activity and spontaneity of earlier years, and I noticed the numbers of booths seemed reduced, as well as those who attended.

Nevertheless I was blessed, as always, by Brian Doerksen in concert, a Christian worship leader/songwriter whose faithfulness, personal testimony and sacrifice have always impressed me, not to mention the anointing on his music, simple as it is. My daughter and her friend were not disappointed in Shane Claiborne, the speaker they had come for, and talked about his message for the rest of the weekend. They found the information they wanted from YWAM (Youth With a Mission) and Urban Promise. Other friends we bumped into were excited by words and resources that blessed them for their upcoming mission trip. We shook hands with Michael Coren and chatted candidly with him about current issues on his program, and I spoke to several colleagues of my husband's from days gone by.

My friend and I managed to make it into the latter part of the Women's Forum, and appreciated the affirming and solid, although familiar teaching. I wondered what God might do about the new directions in my life. I was not to be disappointed. As we were instructed to join in threes to be prayed for by the speaker and each other,one of the hosts at the back table came over and joined us. After we prayed she asked me if I was a teacher, sensing something in the way I prayed for her. The conversation opened up, and we discovered we had both been missionaries in East Africa. She is more recently returned and going through some of the struggles I have wrestled with since our return eight years ago.

When she saw Life Coaching on my card, we talked about making a probono arrangement where I would coach her for free in this transition phase and she would help me by being my client as I am in training! I had been thinking that coaching returned missionary women could be one coaching niche for me. So here I am now, one phone coaching session already done, and another one going on in person in Toronto as you read this. God is so organized!! Instead of me worrying about how to try out clients, He hands me my first one - a very lovely lady,confirming my conviction that my being and doing are interconnected in this new "ex-missionary" phase of my life. This gift felt like a firstfruits of His promise to me of faithfulness of leading me into a whole new life ahead of me, of which Life Coaching and counselling are a part.

That made my day, but it was only noon, and we planned to stay around a while, so we went to one workshop, on Arts and Mission. When I found it was about a TV type video website I wondered what it would have to do with me. The founders and organizers of Images of You TV (www.ImagesofU.TV) were very professional and courteous as they shared about how they promote mission and Christian events through their TV style website. ...and then I found an inspiration forming right there in my head - I asked pertinent questions in the session and afterwards..and...lo and behold: a vision for a future video section of my business website to share voices and stories from Africa...beginning with my husband's return trip there this summer - an opportunity to honour him and his life's work, and my many friends, Ugandan and missionary, who are still there. As if that was not exciting enough, the organizer overheard my discussion with the other volunteer workers and said she wants to do a story on Jim and his past work and trip when he comes back. God is opening up a new way to use my experience as a missionary, to bless what I have been and known, and to find new ways to bless those with whom so much of my big story of missionary life has been connected.

I had stepped out in obedience to make something happen for my daughter. God met me where I was, in transition between the past and the future, and danced in the present with me. Regardless of atmosphere or lack of it, my own kind of cynicism or preparation for disappointment, He showed His faithfulness to me and to the promises He has given me, in the past and the present, for the future.

There was more than enough for me, in a quiet and yet satisfying way, at Missionfest. I am reminded again that it's not about the event, and never is; it's about God and what He can do when we trust Him and believe His promises to us. We move out in our sailing craft on to the open sea, and then we open His sealed orders.

joy in doing an old thing a new way

I've enjoyed reflecting on this latest jaunt to the big metropolis of Toronto out of Muskoka's wilds! It's nice to have a change and a break, and see how others live, and once again rejoice that I can return to a "simpler life". As my reflection for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com shows, I am approaching this Missionfest in a new relaxed way, not hyped up the way I used to be, and not apologetic about my new way of walking through my Christian life. I look forward to sharing how it was when I write again next week.

Sealed Orders

As you read this I will be moving around Missionfest Toronto, milling with the crowds at the hundreds of booths of mission societies and Christian organizations. We will be well provided for at a beautiful facility near the airport, with all the latest "mod cons" as my Brit friends would have said. When the time comes my daughter, her friend, my friend and I will attend workshops of our choosing or cram in to hear the next famous plenary speaker or worship artist. All the info we could possibly need about it, and much more, will be in a glossy program handed to us in our first moments. An amazing way to be with the rich to learn about how to serve the poor, either in money or in faith.

I hearken back over twenty years to Missionfest Vancouver, held in the gymnasium of Burnaby Christian Fellowship. We were newlyweds, staffing our booth for ACTS, Africa Community Technical Service, the small mission my husband founded and ran, overhead and salary free, out of the basement of his home in North Vancouver. It was in the early heady days of missions finding their voice in the mainline body of Christ. We were taking courses on being a World Christian, and giving talks about our work with cut and pasted newsletters, home made displays and African artifacts. Our tiny children bounced around as I taught action songs to Sunday school groups like "I am a House of Prayer". Ah, those were the days. I knew who I was, and what to do. Life was busy and exciting. We were missionaries who had a message, whether sitting at a booth at Missionfest or talking in a church or writing up the latest info on our doings in a newsletter. I used to say that it was much more fulfilling and uplifting to be part of Missionfests than to go to "charismatic" conferences.

Now I visit so my daughter and her friend can hear a wonderful speaker espousing a simple life, Shane Claiborne, a guy who often gets sent away from churches because of his clothes, until he tells them he's their guest speaker. I wonder what else will be relevant to my life? I am excited that Missionfest has come this long way in those twenty plus years. Or am I? What does it say about the western church that this vision has been enriched and fulfilled over and over again, even if it is held in a posh place in a big city? I suppose that is the way things happen here in North America. And if it results in people making important choices to support various mission efforts or answer a "call" to the "mission field", then I guess it will have fulfilled its mission.

Well,I'll wait to tell you next week how it was. I am sure God will have some precious moments for me, whatever their content. He will continue His journey with me, walking me through my life with His "sealed orders". One thing I know for sure now, although it has taken some time to get there: I don't need to apologize for not being a "missionary" any more. I don't need to prove my human "doing". My human "being" is enough for my life in Christ, and enough for me.

This is thy work, these are thy possibilities; contentment to sail with sealed orders, because of unwavering confidence in the wisdom of the Lord High Admiral.

F.B.M. (April 16 in Streams in the Desert)

joy in running for our lives

Here is my Easter weekend post for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. I am always amazed at how I can take disparate elements that are running through my thoughts and experiences in any week, and tie them together with God's grace. But then, that seems to be what God does all the time in our lives...

Running for our lives in Easter Joy

Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. Habakkuk 2:2

I shall never forget the words of a girl I walked with on the island of Iona on the west coast of Scotland in the summer of 1976. I was a Christian; she wasn't. I was troubled and worried; she wasn't. I was carrying the burdens of my life and the world on my mind and heart; she was making choices and getting on with her life with vibrancy and joy. As I poured out my concerns and hesitations to her, she said "You have to run to meet things."

Those words embedded deep within my spirit. Mind you, it took some time for them to bear fruit. And it has taken time to really understand what they mean. She had an understanding and a secret about life that I had not yet found, despite my adventuring into life in Scotland, and my attempt to embrace a radical Christian life. I am not recommending that being a non-Christian is the way to go. But I have often found that we Christians lack the zest for life that an Easter people should have. We have kept on the graveclothes instead of putting on the garments of resurrection. We can become so caught up in our struggles that we lose our vision or don't know how to find the one that is best for us.

This Easter season I can celebrate that God provided me with a vision that I can both realize with some comfort and also run to meet. In a dream last fall he dropped the words "Life Coach". I got up and did an internet search and discovered a wonderful Life Coach training program. They were interested in me, and all my training and experience fit with their requirements. They were grounded in reality, certified and able to provide both solid secular international accreditation and a Christian track, with Christian teachers and students! It seemed too good to be true. I tested the vision for awhile, prayed it through, talked with others, let it die for a season, and then applied. Now I am in training and loving it. It fits with who I am and have been, and who I want to be. It also makes me and empowers me to run to meet the future, call forth what I need to become next in my journey to be all that I can be. And it brings me to life, resurrection life, after a season of many dormant dreams. It calls me and allows me to be what I dream of being, and to help others to do that too.

I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't been listening and watching, and getting ready to run, and running at times to meet the future. Often I would run into the wrong places or take off too soon and then have to slow down, I was so eager to be off and running. Despite my struggles, my faith was telling me that God had something for me to take me into the future in a new way, to make sense of the struggles, to use them to help myself and others, and to ignite my passion so I could ignite it in others. It fit with the revelation that was in my heart,that was written deep on the tables of my spirit, by God's hands.

Streams in the Desert again speaks to us about such expectation:

The old homely proverb says: "They that watch for providence will never want a providence to watch for," and you may turn it the other way and say, "They that do not watch for providences will never have a providence to watch for." Unless you put out your water jars when it rains you will catch no water.

We want to be more businesslike and use common sense with God in pleading promises.Those who come to the bank in earnest present their checks,they wait until they receive their gold, and then they go; but not without having transacted real business....Our heavenly Father would have us do real business with Him in our praying. (April 6)

Living with hope and vision enables us to run the race of our lives with zest and vigour. Trusting God to provide what we need to do this is like running to meet things. When we know how to do that, we can proclaim it to others. I want to be someone who does that with joy and enthusiasm. I don't want to have to go to my non-Christian contacts to get my energy for my life. I respect theirs, and learn from it. But I shame my own heritage, my own understanding and fellowship with God, if I do not, despite all the warfare and discouragement, believe in His providence over my life. I shame His joy in my life if I do not run with joy the race set before me. Only then will others see what I have and want it, and come alive themselves, not only in Christ, in His resurrection promises for our heavenly destiny, but also in the visions for the rest of their lives.

Don't ask yourself what the world needs.
Ask yourself what makes you come alive,and then go and do that.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
Harold Thurman Whitman

This Easter season may we all come more alive than ever before, in Him, and in the visions for our lives, and may we run with joy all the rest of our days.

joy in seeing clouds from both sides

I've been experiencing, and sharing about, lots of "angst" in my life. Readers have emailed me or made comments on how they have been touched by my honesty and how it has helped them. Of course that blesses me. It is one of the silver linings in the clouds in this season of my life. But most of all I have been growing greatly, not only in my awareness of my humanity and my ability to cope with it, but also of God's power and greatness in my life, His warfare on my behalf, when I am willing to look at things His way, and to TRUST Him. That is my big time learning and walking these days, stepping out in faith and obedience, and trusting His goodness and faithfulness, despite my fears. Of course the more I have done that, the more my adversary has sought to bring his devices against me. And so I have had to delve deeper into my knowledge of the weapons available to me in Christ. That of course has been another silver lining in my clouds, because I have been forced deeper and deeper into my experience not only of my pain and humanity, but also of God's provision and resources available to me. Knowledge has come off the pages of the books I read over the years, off the notes of the seminars I attended. I am dusting off the prophetic words spoken over my life, my destiny, and wedding them with God's promises in His word to all of us. Today's post for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com is a witness to this work in my heart and spirit. Long may it continue, for me, and for you.

Both Sides Now...and Always

"I've looked at clouds from both sides now"....The familiar strains of Joni Mitchell's famous song filter through my mind, bringing back the vague and dreamy phases of my youthful wonderings, pain and struggle. The 60s began the trend of a refreshing honesty and reality in reflective love songs. Now as I approach my own personal sixties I struggle with the spiritual realities of "clouds" all the time.

There are lots of human truths in her song, but it has always bothered me because it doesn't seem to give much hope. It doesn't give a way through the experience of clouds, except to adopt an "older but wiser" attitude to stuff. That's fine as far as it goes, but it can leave us feeling sad and empty, robbed somehow of the deeper joys of living, and the rewards of facing pain and struggling with it to receive the joy after the tears.

More than that, for those of us who know the reality of living with Jesus Christ within our beings, it can never be enough. Our knowledge of truth goes way beyond it. As well we know the dimension of spiritual warfare, and the continuous assault on our hearts, minds, relationships and circumstances by the adversary of our souls. The three main weapons he uses are all D's: Doubt, Depression and Despair. They come in many forms, but clouds would be an adequate description, it would seem. Not really the clouds that Joni saw, of illusions or delusions, but dark thunderclouds, or relentless grey clouds pouring endless rain, sleet or snow upon our hurting hearts.

But the great thing is that the story does not end here. It is only a beginning. When we have the big picture we can see beyond the clouds; in fact we can see into the clouds, to the "silver lining". But we need our spiritual eyes, the eyes of Jesus living within us, and we need to be armed with the knowledge of the truth about who we are, Whom we belong to, and how to fight our adversary.

Streams in the Desert once again speaks forcefully to our cause:

Get into the habit of looking for the silver lining of the cloud and when you have found it, continue to look at it, rather than at the leaden gray in the middle. Do not yield to discouragement no matter how sorely pressed or beset you may be. A discouraged soul is helpless. ...Flee from every symptom of this deadly foe as you would flee from a viper. And be not slow in turning your back on it, unless you want to bite the dust in bitter defeat.

Search out God's promises and say aloud of each one: "This promise is mine." If you still experience a feeling of doubt and discouragement, pour out your heart to God and ask Him to rebuke the adversary who is so mercilessly nagging you. The very instant you wholeheartedly turn away from every symptom of distrust and discouragement, the blessed Holy Spirit will quicken your faith and inbreathe divine strength into your soul....

Oh, if our eyes could only behold the solid phalanx of strength, of power, that is ever behind every turning away from the hosts of darkness, God-ward, what scant heed would be given to the effort of the wily foe to distress, depress, discourage us!

All the marvelous attributes of the Godhead are on the side of the weakest believer, who in the name of Christ, and in simple, childlike trust, yields himself to God and turns to Him for help and guidance.

Let us now, whenever we are in a cloud, of whatever kind, remember to look at it from both sides.

They looked...and behold, the glory of the Lord appeared in the cloud. (Exodus 16:10)

joy in reflecting on connections between pain and purpose

This is my post for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com. this week. It came, as usual, out of reflection on personal issues, combined with devotional readings and my own understanding of how God is working in my life.

Fires in our inmost being

I am pondering a lot on pain and grief these days, as I witness the pain of others, whether celebrities or friends, or try to cope with my own. Pain and grief come in many forms, and for the most part are usually unbearable or hard to comprehend. We know so well of those who turn away from God because of the sorrow that has come upon them. And we can all mouth the plain and obvious truth that it is by far the better thing to turn to God in our pain, and grow closer to Him because of it.

Some schools of Christian thought would say that the abundant life should be one where we are able to live without pain. Much confusion has come from such thinking, I believe, for pain is a great motivator and teacher. But we must all be wary of not becoming bitter in our pain, or tempted to despair. And how often we know of how hard it is to console others, and also ourselves, with God's incomparable truth when they are in the midst of the fire.

In my pain this week I have turned again to timeless words quoted in Streams in the Desert:

God often has to burn His lessons into the depths of our being by the fires of protracted pain.

Physical force is stored in the bowels of the earth, in the coal mines, which came from the fiery heat that burned up great forests in ancient ages; and so spiritual force is stored in the depths of our being, through the very pain which we cannot understand.

Like Joseph, let us be more careful to learn all the lessons in the school of sorrow than we are anxious for the hour of deliverance.(March 22/23)

I and we must trust that the fire of pain burning within will become a fire of passion and compassion which will give life and warmth to others in days to come. I and we must choose to lay down our need to know why things happen the way they do, and build upon our trust in God's mercy and grace, and His capacity to work all things together for good.

More than that, we must trust that, like Joseph, in whom were planted visions, dreams, prophecies, promises and great abilities, we may, through our suffering, come one day to "possess the land" promised to us by God. The very depths of our pain can build into us the capacity to fulfill all that God has called us to be and do, if we will embrace the way in which the lessons come.

All you can apprehend in the vision of faith is your own.Look as far as you can, for it is all yours. All that you long to be as a Christian, all that you long to do for God, are within the possibilities of faith. ..Accept for yourself all the promises of His Word, all the desires He awakens within you, all the possibilities of what you may be as a follower of Jesus. All the land you see is given to you.

Streams in the Desert (March 26)

joy in sharing sorrow, and in pondering deep things

This has been a week, as so often, of pondering deep things, but perhaps more so in conversation with others, of talking of the lives and death of famous people we were attracted to. It seemed fitting to weave it into my blog post for www.whateverhesays.blogspot.com:

"Sometimes there's God so quickly"

These words from Tennesee Williams' play, A Streetcar Named Desire,were quoted in the Toronto Star this week as an epitaph to the life and death of Natasha Richardson, exquisite actress of the Redgrave clan, and beloved wife of the wonderful actor, Liam Neeson. Her sudden and tragic death captured much sadness for my daughters and me, recognizing the beauty of the love in her marriage and the intensity and authenticity with which both she and her husband have acted their screen and stage roles. We are not much given to ogling famous personalities, and we don't watch TV, but we are touched by all kinds of people and I appreciate our profound conversations. We pondered in a similarly honest way about the tragic death of a local high profile person in Muskoka, who died with her daughter when her ATV drove off the ice into open water on a large Muskoka lake at the beginning of March break. I had heard this impressive woman speak, spoken with her once at a women's luncheon, and last sat opposite her and her daughter at a fundraising event for Africa organized by my own daughter. I did not know her personally, but her intense way of working and approaching life attracted my interest. I know nothing of the personal faith of either woman. But what is obvious to all is that they lived their lives with passion and intensity, seeking to demonstrate in their art or their community service, their marriages and their family lives, their desire to love and be loved.

I am sure I am not alone in my continuing interest in love and death and the forms in which they come, their intense expression and their roles in the lives of all I know or hear about. My interest and concern are always about the quality of spiritual and relational life for everyone, in public and private, and whether or not they have lived and died in the knowledge of God's incredible love for them.

I return in my thoughts again this week to meditating on the words I quoted in my post last Saturday, by William Blake:

And we are put on earth a little space
To learn to bear the beams of love.

Gerald May, a psychologist and leader,teacher and author in the spiritual formation movement, also quoted these lines in his book, The Awakened Heart. His amplification of them helped me in my pondering the implications of the word bear in this context. He has said what I was beginning to articulate for myself as I searched dictionary meanings and the internet for comments on the phrase 'bearing the beams of love'.

There is a desire within each of us, in the deep center of ourselves that we call our heart. We were born with it, it is never completely satisfied, and it never dies. We are often unaware of it, but it is always awake. It is the human desire for love. Every person on this earth yearns to love, to be loved, to know love. Our true identity, our reason for being, is to be found in this desire.

I think William Blake was right about the purpose of humanity; we are here to learn to bear the beams of love. There are three meanings of bearing love: to endure it, to carry it, and to bring it forth. In the first, we are meant to grow in our capacity to endure love, beauty and pain. In the second, we are meant to carry love and spread it around, as children carry laughter and measles. And in the third we are meant to bring new love into the world, to be bearers of love. This is the threefold nature of our longing.

Gerald May: The Awakened Heart

Well, you may say, it's all fine and dandy to work this out conceptually, but what matters is how we live it. Absolutely. What we really share about on this blog, and what others do in so many ways, is our struggles in living out these eternal, timeless realities. For indeed, "Sometimes there's God so quickly."