joy in learning not to grasp, in fear

A few days away has given me opportunities to continue reflecting on how I handle my struggles. I have been struck by what happens to me when I worry, really, when I fear. Calling worry fear is a good idea, isn't it? It brings out the reality. While I was away, my sister and I watched an interview in which someone identified fear as having the spirit of the Antichrist. Of course, dramatic as that sounds, that is really true, because it is contrary to Jesus' invitation to "fear not". And, as scripture says, fear has torment. Today was a day when I fully recognized, that, despite all the blessings in my life, and all that I have to celebrate, I was dragging myself into a place of torment and worry. So I chose to let go of that fear, even for the simple human reason that I do not like the person I become when I am afraid. I also realized, with the insight of another, that when I am afraid, I grasp. What a horrible word. I have just looked it up in the dictionary and seen how its meanings fit so many of my coping mechanisms, trying to control or achieve or take opportunities, let alone indulging in retail therapy. I have come to see my taking the job this summer at the thrift store as a kind of grasping. I was worried about money, so I took a job that I thought would make me feel better, and instead I felt worse. We can all look at this I am sure. I am so grateful for this insight and it will challenge me for some time to come. As well, I can take this onomatopoeic word grasp and contrast it with the word grace, similarly sounding like its meaning. The first is harsh and horrible sounding, as horrible as its meaning. The second is soft and sweet sounding, sweet as its meaning. I am so grateful too at the insight given to me by another. That is another measure of God's grace to me in my grasping. What joy there is in that, and what an antidote to fear.