joy in finding the golden threads of His love

Yesterday these words jumped out for me from the daily reading in Streams in the Desert:

"God's promises and God's providences do not lift us out of the plane of common sense and commonplace trial, but it is through these very things that faith is perfected, and that God loves to interweave the golden threads of His love along the warp and woof of our everyday experience."

There was no author of those words, but the name of a book given, Hard Places in the Way of Faith.

As well as loving the words and the expression of a truth that I feel so deeply, I felt such an affirmation of what I am doing in this blog. What is happening in my life, and what I am sharing, in a daily way, is just that - that I find God's golden threads in the midst of pain, struggle, and wonder. I describe it as finding joy, but that is really what I mean. I think from tomorrow on I will use that quote in my blog description, and keep it as a clear reminder to me each day of what I am trying to say to myself, and to others.

And it reminds me of how I view the book it was quoted in. I used to read Streams in the Desert a lot as a daily devotional. It was a great comfort, and then there came a time when I abandoned it, finding it depressing, or perhaps too dark. I guess I gave away my copies, for I had two volumes of it. Then a copy came my way this summer, by accident, actually, at the thrift store, where, despite what I said yesterday, there were many blessings and I learned so much about myself. (as we always do even when we have made choices that were not the best). Now of course it is not hard for you to see that I embrace it as a comfort once again. Even more so I find it an essential voice of truths that I have lived and am living very deeply within my being. That in itself is another golden thread of God's love in my everyday experience. The bittersweet threads are golden, I think.

joy in not fearing, through following Jesus' invitation

Yesterday I blogged about learning not to fear, about wanting to turn away from being a fearful person. This morning I thought that I wanted to blog in the morning, as I have often done, but not so much lately. I thought "What do I have to say, this morning, before I have learned my lessons from the day?" Then I thought, " What I learn today, I can share tomorrow. Yesterday was different because I had been away, AND the lesson was so fresh." So then I thought, "How am I different this morning than I was last night?" And I realized my heart is so much more at peace. I have hope and trust that today I will move on and accomplish good things that will make a difference in my life and the lives of others. I realize that this is true today because it is true every day, available to all of us in Christ. He invites us to "Fear not". When we respond to His invitation, and begin to act on His words, then we taste and see that He is good. His word is true. I have already moved on, then, from where I was yesterday. The person who spoke to my heart maybe didn't see the fruit at the time, but it is coming now, and will continue to come. And again the human reality is satisfying as well. I didn't like the person I become when I get tense and fearful. And I find that I do like the person I become when I am full of faith, and peace and joy. Or at least when I feel okay. I may not be bouncing up and down, but I have a quiet confidence that makes me okay, and that means that I transmit that sense of peace to others, and maintain it for myself. Of course these are basic Christian truths. I have been trying to live them all my life, but my programming and patterning have conditioned me to catastrophize, to feed on trauma, etc. etc. Those are addictive patterns, and they generate compensatory patterns that are also addictive. I have been working hard to gain victory over those, and I don't mean it to sound as if either type of what I have mentioned in the last sentence were habits that were lurid or immoral or destructive in the way we usually view things. In fact likely only I and a few close people in my life know what I mean. They are destructive ways of viewing life, like the worry wart syndrome I have been exploring, that are not only a nuisance but rob me of so much joy. Yesterday was another watershed in the life of this worry wart. And I am so glad for it. We have to get really sick of our destructive inner ways in order to change them, and it is so wonderful that Jesus makes the way for us to do so. So, for this day, I take the way He has opened for me - to live with faith and not fear about every situation I face, big or small. May it be so for you.

joy in learning not to grasp, in fear

A few days away has given me opportunities to continue reflecting on how I handle my struggles. I have been struck by what happens to me when I worry, really, when I fear. Calling worry fear is a good idea, isn't it? It brings out the reality. While I was away, my sister and I watched an interview in which someone identified fear as having the spirit of the Antichrist. Of course, dramatic as that sounds, that is really true, because it is contrary to Jesus' invitation to "fear not". And, as scripture says, fear has torment. Today was a day when I fully recognized, that, despite all the blessings in my life, and all that I have to celebrate, I was dragging myself into a place of torment and worry. So I chose to let go of that fear, even for the simple human reason that I do not like the person I become when I am afraid. I also realized, with the insight of another, that when I am afraid, I grasp. What a horrible word. I have just looked it up in the dictionary and seen how its meanings fit so many of my coping mechanisms, trying to control or achieve or take opportunities, let alone indulging in retail therapy. I have come to see my taking the job this summer at the thrift store as a kind of grasping. I was worried about money, so I took a job that I thought would make me feel better, and instead I felt worse. We can all look at this I am sure. I am so grateful for this insight and it will challenge me for some time to come. As well, I can take this onomatopoeic word grasp and contrast it with the word grace, similarly sounding like its meaning. The first is harsh and horrible sounding, as horrible as its meaning. The second is soft and sweet sounding, sweet as its meaning. I am so grateful too at the insight given to me by another. That is another measure of God's grace to me in my grasping. What joy there is in that, and what an antidote to fear.

joy in words for the waiting

I am off for a few days but have been able to schedule my post for the team devotional to appear on my usual Wednesday slot. I said I was going to do a series on waiting. If I am led to, then I will. But for now, this is what I have to share. Til Thursday.

Words and Waiting

I love words. They help me so much. I can delight in discussions about their meaning, quibble about them when they are used incorrectly, laugh hilariously at some turn of phrase and some second meanings that touch me somewhere deep within. They are a special language for me with certain friends. They are one of my love languages. I delight to use them to bless others, and to receive them in a similar way. And they are also a great source of hurt to me by their lack when I need them, and by their deliberate use in a negative way.

And they are one of God’s love languages to me. To all of us, of course, in His WORD, but especially to me in a variety of ways. Special words from scripture and words from songs and poems have lit up my path. Prophetic words have blown me away. However they come from God, they speak deeply within me, to His spirit alive in the depths of my being.

They especially help when life is a struggle, when I feel like there is such a gap between God’s promise to me and the reality of my life. Since that has been more of a constant than any other state in my life, they are really a lifeline to give me hope and a future. I imagine that may be truer for most people than they might like to admit. Words were all I had to give to a strange young man sitting in church this past Sunday. During communion time, I heard him say out loud “I’m not real”. As I came back to my seat after communion, I touched him on the shoulder and said “You ARE real. And Jesus is real.” He looked me in the eye and gave me the sign of peace.

Last week, as I tried to figure something out about a job others urged me to apply for, God spoke to my heart as I was waking after a troubled sleep. He said, “Make straight paths for your feet. Take only ways that are firm.” I have considered these life verses, knew they were from Proverbs, but hadn’t checked out their exact accuracy. When I did, I found three verses that apply:

Proverbs 3:6 “In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Proverbs 4: 11 “I guide you in the way of wisdom, and lead you along straight paths.”

And the closest one:

Proverbs 4: 26 “Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.”

I pondered the exchange I had made in my mind between level and straight, and then ruminated upon my preference for level in the context I struggle with now. I remembered the many lovely paths I have walked on, and how much I dislike straight ones. It is the winding roads that appeal to me, the winding staircases, the bends in the paths in the woods. Our lovely new steps down to the river wind around. From across the river they look beautiful, almost like a spiral staircase. They fit the terrain, and connect with the natural beauty they wander through. I look forward to walking up and down them because of their delightful direction and shape. They are not “straight”, but they are appropriate, and they are LEVEL. Therefore when anyone walks on them, their feet are safe, and their steps are sure, and their way is firm and solid.

In the midst of my ruminations last week I read S.D. Gordon in Streams in the Desert:
“When we learn to wait for our Lord’s lead in everything, we shall know the strength that finds its climax in an even, steady walk. Many of us are lacking in the strength we so covet. But God gives full power for every task He appoints. Waiting, holding oneself true to His lead – this is the secret of strength. “

“An even, steady walk…is the secret of strength.” Yes, certainly that was part of what God meant with the words to me to take straight paths and firm ways. He wants to keep me steadily moving in the direction which He has already set me on. He wants me to be level and steady, for steady is one of the dictionary meanings of level. And this reading helps me to recognize that I will grow stronger as I walk in this even steady way. Just as we all find that when we do our physical walking. Even if we are tired when we start out, we are refreshed and rejuvenated, strengthened in our bodies, hearts and minds, after our walks.

But when God spoke this last time He said “straight”. He misquoted His own words from scripture! In so doing he drew attention to the other source of strength – in those other verses - acknowledging Him, and trusting His lead. Of course I found that level is another meaning for straight in the dictionary. But it also first means without deviation. Even if my path curves to fit the landscape of my life, it can still not deviate from His plans for me, His way of wisdom.

And just as I can intuitively know the meanings that apply to my story as I read God’s word in Scripture and the words in the dictionary, so I can know the ways that are the firm and steady ones that follow His leading. May it continue to be so for each of us this week. And for those of us who are waiting, may His words give us strength.

joy in learning patience in quiet waiting

I have decided to do a little series on waiting - and watching. In two days' time I am going to go away for a few days and not have access to internet, so I think this will be the theme also for my Wednesday devotional blog. And it is indeed my growing edge, and all these posts only mean something for me or anyone else if they arise out of my own growth, and struggle. The other day I was expressing my frustration about various things going on in my life just now, mostly about the kinds of work available or not available, ministry and personal issues. My pastor's comment was to be patient. She was so right, of course. And that was a timely comment that particular day, helping me to stay connected with my theme of making straight paths and moving in a slow and steady way. And that day I enrolled in the courses that help me to feel I will be moving ahead, however slowly. But today was one of those days when I felt like I was standing still. And God has met me in that need. As I went on some errands today, I met contacts from various parts of my life, another supply teacher, my friend at the thrift store, a friend from the business course I took last year. They were all able to connect with where I was at, and reassure me of the slow and steady journey, and it felt good to be able to share, and to have them give me helpful feedback. God met me in them today. And most of all the reading for today has so much, that I want to quote from it for days to come, but for today, from Streams in the Desert, this is what I quote, from her quote from a J.R. Miller, whoever he was:

"Must life be a failure for one compelled to stand still in enforced inaction and see the great throbbing tides of life go by? No, victory is then to be gotten by standing still, by quiet waiting. It is a thousand times harder to do than it was in the active days to rush on in the columns of stirring life. It requires a grander heroism to stand and wait and not lose heart and not lose hope, to submit to the will of God, to give up work and honors to others, to be quiet, confident and rejoicing, while the happy, busy multitude go on and away. It is the grandest life "having done all, to stand."

So I know that my heavenly Father is watching me, like His little sparrow, and I am off to my mountains of work in the basement, and other ways to faithfully plod on with my many hidden but important tasks to do. I recall a word of encouragement given to me many, many years ago, when I was standing still in those years for a season, " Your time for going forward will come."

joy in keeping connections

A missionary friend from years ago is in Canada settling his son into university. Our daughters met up with the rest of his family in Kampala last week. Their friends are connected with the counselling program I am in, and they know counselling/therapy programs out in Kenya and Uganda. God is keeping up with us and our growth, and we with that of others. We came home to Canada after five years on the field, they have been out there for thirteen. We were on our own, they are with a big international mission organization. There are more differences and similarities. But we have stayed connected, in a disjointed way, but the fundamental heart tie and worldview connection remains the same. When we met in Uganda we knew we shared a similar view of mission; now that we are back it is great to know that our view of the world remains the same, despite our return. For missionaries it is so important to keep all these connections, and even more so for our children. We also talked today with our daughters in Uganda via cellphone. They are looking forward to being anonymous in Canada again. They are enjoying connecting with their childhood home, friends, and neighbourhood. But they realize they have moved on and so they are integrating the parts of their lives and the people in the parts. We are glad to launch them, and miss them so. They are glad to branch out, but miss us so much also. Connections are so much what life is all about. I am so grateful that we can do it so easily, by email and phone. What a different world for missionaries, and all of us, today. And yet the fundamental issues and concerns remain the same: maintaining our connectedness and our sense of identity in the midst of all that happens for us. I take joy today that I and my children and my friends can continue to do that today.

joy in making straight paths for my feet

Today was a day to do more concrete work about finding other forms of employment and possibly study to supplement what I am already doing. It was confusing in some ways to open up a can of worms a little and look again at various options. Yes, I am a supply teacher, and yes, I am engaged in a long term plan of study in counselling. But the first can often be aggravating, not really feel like me, and not provide enough income, and the second is such a long journey that I'm not sure how to work the two together and use my other gifts in various ways in the meantime. The Employment resource centre staff were very helpful, providing options to look at, ways of revamping my resume etc. Yet it was hard too, trying on various selves for size and asking again and again, "Who am I?". But God was faithful, ever whispering in my ear, " Make straight paths for your feet; take only ways that are firm." And in turn I was saying back to Him, "Slow and steady, get me ready", as a little child to my heavenly Father. And my dear Daddy God brought me through for today. He led me to open the page in a community college calendar to a certification I can get on Saturdays over the next school year in Teaching and Training Adults. It is simple, straightforward, inexpensive, and will open doors to using my gifts at college and industry level. I registered for the first batch of courses, and moved from a sense of floundering as I walked on the water, to feeling His solid ground beneath my feet. He has told me before that His faithfulness would entwine with my faithfulness. This was the fruit. I kept true to my vision of what He is calling me to be, and the person I believe I am and want to be, and resisted trying to bend myself out of shape to take jobs that don't fit, and He gave me back another open door which will lead me along a straight path that enhances the path I am already on. In this coming year when I cannot afford to do much in my counselling studies because of my need to work and to be near home with my girls for one more year, I now can connect the past, present and future in a straight way. This brings me great joy once again, and increases my trust in my dear Father and Saviour, and His voice within me, His Holy Spirit.